So uncomfortable.

I'm on the train going to the city for therapy. The train is crowded and I tried to sit with one woman who - ha moved her bag off the seat sooo annoyed and then sighed have me a dirty look and shifted her knees over juuuust a little bit. I started awkwardly trying to move into the seat with my coffee and my backpack and umbrella and thinking how awful of a ride this is going to be. But I was also thinking fuck her I'm going to sit here and make her miserable but then I just switched somehow and said "you know what never mind I'm going to let you sit here by yourself" and I got out. Now I'm sitting next to an older man who is equally as grumpy but I'm trying to not take it in. He was polite enough about me sitting here. I'm tired. I have gone into the city for 4 days now and yesterday I pounded around all day. But it was worth it to stay after lunch with my family to write with some peeps at 7:00. Ah. But I'm tired. But I'm grateful. I went shopping and had a piece of cake at a cafe. I mean my poor guy is living on this tiny budget and I'm complaining about shopping and eating cake. I feel like such a turd. But also I'm tired! I think I thought going in and out of the city would be easier not waitressing but it's still hard. Okay. I had the weirdest dream about my father last night. He realized he was sick and got sad. Ugh it killed me. I'm so worried about money. I haven't gotten paid for that one job and I thought I got a job for next week but I don't think I did. I'm trying so hard to hold out for the better paying jobs but it's terrifying. I'm about to get desperate. No - I'm there - I feel desperate. Well I'm just going to hold out for a little bit longer. Holy fuck. I've never been able to do this. Hold out for the better thing. Well maybe that's not true. Turn it over. I just need to turn it over. Holy fucking uncomfortableness. K bye.