MONDAY!

It's Monday and I was so exhausted after last week that I couldn't do anything yesterday.  I did some mild things - went for a jog, ran some errands - watched Friends!  It made me feel so much better - just to get out of my head.  I went to a small women's meeting and got to share twice.  Then we went and got ice cream which was fun.  Now I'm up today and taking care of myself.  I went for a walk, prayed & meditated, talked to my alanon sponsor and I did the dishes.  Now what?  I have so much to do.  I still can't believe how busy I have been.  It's great!  I have the time now to be busy doing my craft AND take care of myself - which is glorious.  Okay - SO - what else?  I have realized that - oh man - I don't even want to write it about it really because I feel like it's focusing on it.  BUT - I have realized that I spend a lot and I mean A LOT of time looking at other people and not in a nice way.  I look at other people and their success and I wonder how they did it and then I try and figure out how they suck though - also.  Does that make sense?  And all it does is keep me from focusing on myself and I can't take it anymore.  It's boring and it feels bad.  Also - also it keeps me from being present.  I'm just not present and I'm not in and of myself and it's so not kind (to me) and it's impossible (I think) to grow from that place.  It's also SO TIME CONSUMING.  Ew and it's boring.  I'm over it.  But now - now I feel sad.  I mean I feel sadness anyway - I'm still grieving my father but it's even deeper than that.  It's the sadness of being present and in myself and responsible for my feelings.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's the pain of being present.  Of not attaching a story to my feelings or my present moment.  I'm reading this book The Untethered Soul and I think - I THINK what he is talking about is the pain we all have in our hearts that's been there for a long LONG time and how we all do all this OTHER SHIT to avoid that original pain.  WILD right?  So it's underneath all the bullshit like staring at other people and their lives.  Or I don't know maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying but that's what I'm getting out of it.  Oye yoi yoi.  Life.  Just keep peeling that onion and digging through that soul.  Ha!  What?  No seriously - what else is there?  Cake.  I'm starving.  Love you Bluebie bye.