Re-entry problems.

We went on vacation for 9 days and it was glorious.  We both needed it so badly.  We went on a discount vacation to Delaware and their season had just ended so everything had closed except some mini-golf courses and of course the beaches were open.  It was us and 35 old people.  But it was so great!  We stayed in this adorable little house at the end of a cul-de-sac and it was soooooo nice.  For us.  It was quiet and everything was clean and new.  We slept for 9-10 hours every night and just chilled the fuck out.  Now we are back and having re-entry problems because it's back to real life.  He's stressed about this business and I am stressed about my pretend business of being an actress and a comedian.  Ha.  I think ha?  Oh my God I feel sick.  I'm in a competition next Monday and I feel like I'm more prepared to fight a bull.  Or take down a wild animal with a bow and arrow.  Okay that's extreme.  I feel like I am more prepared to do a lot of other things besides that.  I mean talk about first world problems - it's gross.  I don't know what's happening right now.  I just had to look through a bunch of pictures of my father trying to find something and of course I got upset.  I'm just upset.  Our talk about money upset me.  My lack of faith in myself and my exhaustion is upsetting me.  I just basically ran errands today and now I'm ready to hunker down and watch some TV and then go to bed.  It's 5:38 pm.  I keep having this thought go through my head that I have been chasing this juvenile dream for 18-20 years of being an actress - then of being a comedian.  My guy said he was reading something about Stephen King (whom I LOVE) and he said he was born to write.  I don't feel born to do anything except maybe go shopping, do light errands and sleep.  I'm a mole.  I mean - okay so am I beating myself up?  Is it just re-entry problems?  Is it fear?  Is it alcoholism?  Is it the truth and I'm finally just seeing it?  Maybe it's just suddenly the truth.  I don't know.  Man - I really don't.  It's always that question - right?  But this is the question - if I could do anything and money isn't an issue - what would I do?  It fills me up - acting.  Comedy is some bizarre obsession that I'm still interested in.  I love to write and I just don't let myself do it enough.  I am afraid.  Fear stops me.  I am gung ho until it gets hard and then I blame life and being old and stop.  Or fade.  Stop and fade.  I also truly convince myself that the errands are more important.  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  SHIT ON A SHINGLE.  JESUS HOLY CHRIST.  This is the thing and I am MORE than positive I have probably written this before BUT when I started doing this - acting/comedy/moving to NYC - I promised myself I wouldn't stop until I tried everything.  This is already annoying me.  The one thing I have never truly tried is staying in it and letting God decide.  Turning it over.  I never turn it over.  Do what I love, let myself love it and turn it over.  I feel like I have reverse PMS.  PMS on the way OUT of my period.  GREAT.  Well anyway.  That's what's going on with me.  A lot of inner turmoil after a lovely discounted vacation.  Love you Bluebie bye.