Anxiety Times 1000 - A Weekend Getaway

My stomach is going crazy.  I feel awful.  I couldn't sleep last night and I kept waking up.  I'm flat out terrified about this contest on Monday night.  I feel like it is completely insane that I am doing this.  I feel like I am going to put myself out there and possibly bomb and totally embarrass myself.  I'm just so scared.  Meanwhile I am not working on it at all right now - I'm just sitting here cold and upset.  I'm so sad about my father and so worried about this year of selling trees.  One of the guys who works on the farm went back to Albania and he was so sad to go.  Ugh - I just feel sick.  I still can't believe he died and when it hits me - it is hitting so hard.  I'm losing whatever power I had and I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.  I went to a meeting last night, therapy yesterday and a meeting this morning and I still just want to go to bed for a month.  It's overcast and SO chilly.  Holy shit - it's just - I don't know - it just feels like Winter and I'm not emotionally prepared for that.  I'm having a hard time.  Also when my stomach feels like this it's because I'm forgetting something and I'm about to have a full on panic attack because I can't possibly know what it is.  I hope I haven't fucked up some other money thing.  Well anyway - oh boy - that neighbor is blow drying his driveway.  What a fucking lunatic.  Man - if they ever actually stop primping their driveway and actually PARK in it - I will be floored.  Gotta go suffer bye.