Losing is painful but also fun!

Not really.  Maybe it is for masochists.  UGH.  I did that competition last night and LOST.  FIVE people went to the next round and I was NOT ONE OF THEM.  Oh man.  Well so I am awake at 5:00 in the morning - I can't sleep.  I just feel horrible.  Although I did tell myself that as long as I didn't bomb then it's okay.  And I didn't - at all.  I had a good set.  And my set feels like it is getting to a better place - rather quickly.  Now of course I am doubting myself and I think I suck, I'm old, not cool - fat.  FAT.  SO FAT.  Good Lord it's horrible.  I am fighting letting myself think this way about myself - I can't stand it.  Oh man - well I guess it's a rough year what can I do.  Hopefully in a few days I wont care and I will have other things to work on and in the meantime keep working on my set.  And my performing.  Honestly I could have bombed.  I don't get onstage enough and I have so much self-doubt and nerves to battle.  So it could have been a LOT worse.  Although I have to say I do not know why I keep trying to get this club to show me the love - it's ridiculous.  So then my job is to go somewhere ELSE!  Find it.  Okay so then my guy's ex came and rang the doorbell yesterday.  And because I don't know what she looks like I was like "Hi!"  Yes to some random woman ringing the bell.  Then she says "Does (my guy) live here?"  I say "Yes!"  I'm smiling because I love when strangers come to the door!  Then she says "I have some paintings for him."  I say "Okay!"  I'm still smiling.  She says "Can I bring them in?"  I say "Sure!"  I think I thought she was someone from the program or something.  Then she asks me if I am (my name).  I say "Yes!"  Then she asks if I live here.  I say yes.  Cut to I finally ask who she is and she tells me.  Then she goes to her car to get whatever she has in the car and comes back and says "I shouldn't do this - I shouldn't have come here."  Cut to she tells me a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense and tries to get information out of me and I told her she scared me and it was very aggressive of her to ask me who I was before I understood who she was.  Listen when she first rang the bell it scared me - so when I saw a woman at the door I got relieved.  It was so confusing.  Listen - I had nothing to do with their relationship not working out.  I feel guilty for everything and that is something I don't feel bad about.  Plus - um - I'm not kidding - she was TRYING to cry.  She did manage to get a tear out of the left corner of her eye which she dramatically wiped away.  She tried to say they were together when we got together but then she changed her story.  I just calmly kept saying "I was under the impression you were separated for almost a year before."  She also kept trying to say we met and she saw me in a play.  BITCH I WISH YOU SAW ME IN A PLAY BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN A PLAY!  Um - no. No and no.  I didn't steal your man and this has nothing to do with me.  I said "Do you want me to have him call you?"  And she said he told her to never go to his office again so no.  OKAY SO GOING TO HIS HOUSE IS OKAY??  It felt like she was trying to get me to feel sorry for her.  Oh man - I'm telling you - I don't feel well right now.  My head is so awful.  Dark.  I just ate 2 cheese sticks and 2 weight watchers treats to try to go back to sleep.  It did not work.  Those weight watchers treats are so ridiculous.  I eat 3 of them at a time.  Well - I guess this is life.  What a crazy twat.  Can you imagine she said "I'm happy for you.  You guys living together all these years."  WHAT?  I just said I had to go - which I did - that I had an appointment at 12:30 - which I did.  Why was she trying to make me feel sorry for her and why the fuck was she TRYING to cry?  SO I would try to convince my guy to go back to her?  "She managed to squeeze out a tear - it's so clear she loves you!"  I didn't even feel like she loved him either.  I felt like she was - I have no idea what.  Please God - let me never be that woman.  Let me take care of my own shit.  This too shall pass right?  Yes it will.  Oh - ugh.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.