The Martyr Lie Explained Further

So this is why else I'm realizing as I sit here alone in this big quiet apartment all day. That I believe it has to be hard and that I have to do things that hurt me in order to get and do what I want. The unhealthy kind of hurt and the unhealthy kind of things I don't want to do. The unhealthy kind of relationships.  I mean I know that in order to be in shape I need to work out and it hurts.  However that doesn't mean reAlly hurt myself right? Am I making sense because I feel like this is so profound to me right now. It all has to do with trust too. Trusting my higher power, trusting love - trustingThe right way or the positive way I should say.  I didn't have to keep dating dirt balls and I don't have to keep,playing the role of the martyr a and the victim in order to be a producer.  Ugh I feel like I sound crazy.  Listen its a lie to be a martyr and it's not nice to me - first of all - and it's not nice to anyone else but MOSTLY - it doesn't work! Ha.  It makes everything too fucking hard.  So there we go.  It's too hard and not functional.  I already meditated twice today and I think I'm going to do it again! I hope I can find myself again. The one who is not a martyr - the one who has faith in God and the universe and herself.  Here's to meditation and finding myself and for being ready when my time finally comes.  Meaning in acting and comedy not when I die.  Thanks.  Bye.