Day 1933 - Back the The Present.

Well something shifted after all the days of sadness and complete discomfort.  First of all while reading The Spirituality of Imperfection I realized what a gift acting in my life is.  The book tautes how we all consist of light and dark - positive and negative.  I have had sucha hard time accepting that inmyself.  And then suddenly I thought about those masks they always use for theatre - the drama mask and the comedy mask put together.  And I was like right - there I love both the good and the bad.  Then I became so grateful to be able to act at all - even if it's just a class right now mostly - and then I also became so grateful to have so much positive and negative in me.  THEN - I ALSO realized (I have probably realized it before but this really struck me this time) that I have been trying to work from the creative place I was in before I became a total drunk and bottomed out.  And I just realized that 1. It's not working (whomp) and 2. It's so fucking boring and 3.  IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.  I'm alive I'm my own person and this is where I am in my life - I am a woman and isn't it so much more interesting to be working from the place where I actually am today?  Am I making sense?  I am having this creative mind shift.  Like I am getting present.  WOW.  Anyway.  So yeah - what the fuck am I doing now?  I don't know but I'm more excited and interested.  Also in regards to my crush on my acting teacher.  Who cares?  This is what I always used to do in relationships.  Look always to some other person to be the one who I should "really" be with.  FUCKING BARF.  So boring.  Lame.  I had such a nice time with the guy last night.  Talking, just being together - so healthy and kind.  Great sex.  UM - what else IS THERE?  Jesus Fucking Holy Christ.  So - so for today I can see my self-destructive mind - thank God - and not act from it.  Man I want to eat like an entire cow.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.