Choking.

I feel like I am choking all the time lately.  My coat always seems too tight around my neck and yesterday I was like what is choking me and it was my necklace just lying on either side of my throat.  There's picture of my grandmother that my grandfather painted and she's drinking a cup of coffee and she has her hand around her throat.  I heard my aunt say that my grandmother always had her hand around her throat like that.  I just feel like I'm choking and I guess she did too.  Maybe she was trying not to say something I don't know.  So today is the day I am (we all are) going to meet my nephew that my sister gave up for adoption 30 years ago.  I was 13, I met him once and now he's 30.  I don't know if I can handle this.  It's bringing up so much I can't even believe it.  Between that and that Thanksgiving with my awful, selfish cousin - I just am so aware of how I feel like I don't matter.  Look I know some of it is being an alcoholic - we just feel like the biggest pieces of shit on the planet.  But some of it is a very real feeling of just feeling like I should sit down, shut up and not cause any more trouble.  But more than that - I don't know - can I just say I don't know - I have vitamins sitting in my throat - they won't go down.  I feel like I have no voice and isn't ironic that I am writing this on a secret blog.  I just feel like I don't matter enough to take care of myself.  The other night as I left my acting class and Jesus as I write this I can just feel and see in my mind's eye that if my cousin or some other expectant person in my class had a need and asked me for it - I would throw everything away I've done to give it to them.  What the fuck is that?  Maybe this sounds dramatic and selfish - I don't know but this is what is happening.  So I went to my teacher and said thank you - happy holidays and he said - same to you, you are doing great work - you just need to project.  And I said "Oh yes I have a projection problem."  And he said "What???"  He's 92 but he's hears very well - I just didn't even project THAT.  There's was my old acting teacher standing right there and that beautiful talented boy and they both looked away awkwardly.  HA.  Or whatever - is that even a ha?  Christ.  I mean everything feels all stuck inside me and you know what it is!  All the farting, all the burping - my bloated belly - my poor bazillion sore throats growing up.  Do you know I had strep throat at least 25 times growing up and I had scarlet fever TWICE.  You can't even get it twice.  I need to go to a meeting.  I love you Bluebie.  This can't be fun to listen to today - at least you have to the rest of the ether and internet to check out.  xoxoxoxoxoxo