The Lie.The Apple.The Dream.

My guy says that the lie that alcoholism tells us is that "We are pieces of shit, never going to amount to anything and that we wasted our whole lives."  Among other things.  So my goal the last couple of days and my main goal in 2015 is to say to those lies "This can't possibly be true.  No.  NO to these thoughts - NO."  It's helped already and I have PMS and trying to stop any negative thought is a GIANT feat for sure.  I have this friend from years ago who said to me once - she said "This is my only chance to get to be (her name) - this is the only lifetime I get to be this person and I'm going to enjoy it."  How AMAZING is that???  It occurred to me yesterday that I'm human - that's it - it's really that simple - so why don't I just enjoy it- enjoy being me in this lifetime.  Jesus - enough already.  So that means taking care of myself right?  So enter The Apple.  I'm always hungry - always enraged at other people chomping on the subway and I basically refuse to do it.  But last night I had this beautiful apple and I wanted to eat it.  I had carried it around all day and I was starving.  I knew I could spend money at those newspaper stands in the subway and buy a candy bar but I didn't want to - I wanted to eat my apple and I knew the subway was going to come and then I would be that person - eating a fucking never ending apple on the subway.  So I did it.  I ate it.  I got on the subway - squished myself between people and I ate that apple.  It was delicious first of all and it made the obnoxious girl talking SO loud about her poor roommate's rage issues (because he was abused) not bother me, or the crazy man who was talking into his sleeve.  I was also able to enjoy the tender Asian couple across from me - they were so sweet.  I swear to God - it was one of the best subway rides I've ever had.  I saved money, calories and rage time.  Now for The Dream.  I can't remember what it was!  Ha - someone called me and now I have no idea what I was going to write.  Something about 2015?  To keep growing and stay sober - love my guy and take care of myself.  Keep helping others or at least try to and be willing to.  Love you Bluebie - here's to you and 2015!!!