Untying the knots, service and serenity. SUCK IT

I couldn't just leave it the title as was.  SUCK IT relives some of the poofiness.  Anyway so "The Love Of My Acting Teacher Saga" continues.  It would be so much easier if he was just a turd but he's not - he's wonderful.  I went to a memorial last night that he helped put together and HIS teacher said how wonderful he is and how much of service he is and THEN I JUST LOVED HIM MORE.  Which I guess is fine - I can love him, admire his gift of service (and he's not an alcoholic - how do people who aren't alcoholics know to be of service?????), and be grateful for the amazing job he is doing teaching me.  What?  It's so fucking hot in the store right now and I just ate a bacon, blue cheese avocado burger with fries for breakfast.  Anyway yeah - he's just so gorgeous but more than that he's just - great.  Gross, barf and whatever.  Okay so untying the knots - so it occurred to me this morning that I have discovered a new know inside myself with realizing what an underearner I am right?  WHY AM I WRITING THIS???  Anyway but I thought to myself "If I didn't realize this knot and then do something to untangle it - I would need relief from it."  Yeah.  Huh - so.  Oh dear Lord I am too full to do this right now.  I need to take a walk and go to the bank.  Can't I want to be with someone who is gorgeous, loving, kind and of service and think I am deserving of someone like that?  I don't think I'm meant to be with him but can't I love him and admire him and want a great man like that?  Guy?  I really need to go outside and turn down the heat.  HAHA - GET IT???  Bye Bluebie love.