Totally beating myself up.

I really am - I'm just - ripping myself a new one.  I am back home here in the city - I had a great day and I got back reasonable well.  I have to do laundry and be at work at 8:00 am and I hate that.  My eyes looked so clear from being in the country and now I smell cigarette smoke and I want to slaughter my super.  Why am I so poor that I have to live above cigarette smoke?  I should just stop writing.  I'm drinking coffee because I really had no energy to do this laundry and I can't wear the same clothes for the 3rd weekend in a row.  I'm just - annoyed.  I never get to travel - oh dear GOD - I haven't been to a meeting now in 3 days - this is the 3rd day but one day I listened to 2 phone meetings.  I'm just grumpy.  I don't want to do laundry - I got into a little bit of vacation mode and I guess I don't want to stop.  I didn't get to see my best friend and my poor Grandfather is turning into a gnome.  Oh boy - he's so sweet and pleasant but he can barely walk - and his toupee is barley on and his teeth - he forgets to put in ALL his teeth. Awwwww - it's like watching my dog all over again.  I just want to lay here in the cigarette smoke and read - haha.  I wish I had a house with a washer and dryer for fuck's sake.  One where someone isn't smoking under me.  Ugh - okay - I'm frustrated and annoyed that's all.  Why don't I be grateful I don't have to wash my clothes in a stream.  Maybe I would like that better than washing them on 204th street though?  Maybe I'm never going to get married again.  Holy shit - maybe I really missed out - I'm never going to have my own family and now I don't even have a dog to travel with.  Maybe it's only going to get worse from here??  Oh my fucking GOD - what if I really fucked up - I really made a huge mistake - what?  WHAT?????  What am I talking about?  I'm going to leave now and angrily do my laundry so I don't feel completely gross tomorrow while I wait on people.  Then - I am going to come home and work on my scene for class (which I did today also) and my monologues for an audition on Friday.  I'm going to pick up my paycheck from work and order headshots and give them to the people that asked for them.  Jesus fucking Christ - and go to a meeting - I will also go to a meeting.  Bye.