What the fuck am I doing?

I'm so freaked out - I just got done working my 3rd shift in a row at that new job - rehearsing for a new scene for class and went once again to do a late night spot at the comedy club and it was cancelled.  I'm so tired and fried and I don't feel like I am even going forward a little bit.  I'm freaked out about my uncle and I'm so confused by how scared I am that I am not at that job anymore.  I don't know - I just keep thinking "But I want to act and do comedy - why am I so freaked out about leaving a job where I get to do NEITHER of those things??"  I've hated the job FOR YEARS.  Oh my GOD - it's so crazy.  The money though - lord - I just have to be so much more careful with money now and it's freaking me out.  But so what?  I'm just scared I'm never going to make more money and that - oh my fucking GOD I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FANTASIZE ABUNDANTLY!!  I can't even fathom me getting paid a shitload of money to work on a fun, brilliant, wonderful film or TV show or play or musical OR ALL OF THOSE THINGS.  I am home, it's warm in here (fucking FREEZING outside) and I can make myself a nice dinner and I bought some things to bring home for Thanksgiving.  I have to call my cousin - how can I not have called her yet?  I'm just fried.  I need to get some sleep, take care of myself - I can do this.  I just need some super duper self-care right now.  I don't know - I really don't know.  I'm going to eat some food.  I just replaced the light bulb above the stove.  This is the second time I have done that and it fascinates me every time that I can do it.  How bizarre is it that I am in awe of the fact that I can unscrew the lid, take out the light bulb, put in a new one, screw the lid back on and it works?  Is that bizarre or is that fantastic?  I miss my dog.  Ugh.  I don't know - I need to eat some dinner bye.