Perception, Service and I'm not a victim.

Do you know how hard that was for me to write??  That I'm not a victim???  OH MY FUCKING ASS - so hard.  I mean I was so upset about working here last week - like my friend took advantage of me blah, blah - and then she got in touch with me yesterday and was so sweet - ugh I can't go on about the details - my perception of the situation just changed.  I got up this morning and I felt okay - got on the couch to meditate and I had gotten up early so I snuggled under the blanket and felt too comfortable - checked my bank account and of course because I felt uncomfortable leaving the meeting early enough to walk last night - I fucking took a cab and it made my account 10 dollars under - so if my rent check went through - I would be fucked.  So I got my ass ready and went to the bank and put my paycheck in.  What in the good lord is wrong with me?  I'm not out of the woods yet money wise - this change over from the comedy club to this new job has not happened yet.  This isn't what I wanted to talk about.  Well but on some level I just couldn't handle the discomfort of doing what was best for me.  I was sitting next to my new sponsor and I just - I didn't know how to get up - I didn't want to make her mad.  BUT SO WHAT?  She's a grown woman - jeez and then I had to run around this morning before work and get all stressed out because I just can't afford to take cabs or go outside of my teeny, tiny budget.  Jeez.  HOW HARD IS IT TO BE HONEST ALL THE TIME.  Very.  I just want to be in the clouds about everything - money, food - everything.  I had a drinking dream last night.  One where I had been taking sips of alcohol at different times and then I was about to take this trip or be alone someplace and I thought to myself "Oh - I'm going to DRINK - no one will know and I have time tomorrow to heal from the hangover."  Then I remembered I had to drive someplace and - ugh - what?  I still was going to drink - and then I woke up.  So I need to be of service today.  An old sponsee called me yesterday - and I am going to call my sober sister and I don't know - check on new comers and people I know that are struggling.  I don't know - okay - time for an alanon phone meeting where I can affirm I'm not a victim