I love - real quickly - I mean "I love" real quickly......

That's the thing right?  That's what it all comes down to I think.....that I am in this programs not just to stop drinking and to keep not drinking but to learn how to love - first myself and then others.  I guess right?  Lately it has been so much of me to try to actively stop being angry and somehow - I feel more love.  Yesterday the cigarette smoke everywhere - not just her in my apartment but EVERYWHERE - was so terrible.  It's New York City!!  Of course it is.  Anyway at one point this woman - an older woman in a frumpy dress was smoking and I gave her a look and in my head I thought "Seriously grow the fuck up - really - stop smoking."  Right?  I actually thought that and think that a LOT towards different people.  Then I suddenly remembered me smoking - just siting there and smoking cigarette after cigarette.  Or walking to work and smoking the whole fucking way.  But when I sat out side that house and smoked - I never thought of my neighbors or if it bothered them - I was a total addict - I could not stop.  Then I thought about the super yesterday and I was able to actually think "He's addicted - he CAN NOT stop - it has him by the balls."  I also did my laundry yesterday and since it has been a month since I did it I had to walk back and forth from the laundry mat and this girl working at an orthopedic shoe place (so she wasn't so busy I guess) was literally standing outside smoking every time I walked by - and quickly puff in, puff out.  I just remembered being that way - so consumed by it.  So for once - for the first time in years - I have had compassion for the smokers.  Which has caused my anger to ease greatly and has also made my hair change.  I swear to the good Lord around me - when I am upset - it just shows in my hair.  Dries me right out from the roots.  Isn't that sad?  That it has that much effect?  The anger?  Anyway it's more sad that I wasn't having compassion for the people doing the same exact thing I did and me not realizing how hard it is for them.  So - today I love more.  I had class last night and I feel closed off towards my teacher.  The anger and jealously is there but after I meditated this morning and really felt how clenched my heart was and really thought - what?  What did I think?  I forgot.  HA!!  Hilarious.  Well anyway who the fuck knows what incredible profound thought that I had but - I can let the jealousy and anger go - that's all - let it go and love.  What?  I feel like I am talking out of my ass.  It's not personal the class and I want to make it so but it isn't.  Somehow I just realized that.  So dear blog of my dreams help me to unclench my heart and get sober in this class and love - myself and my art.  My fellows and my other humans.  I'm so ready to move forward in life away from the past and my - bullshit.  My anger.  My dryness.  Oh fucking boy.  I'm going to do some dishes and go into the park.  I love you bye.