Not okay.

I'm just not.  This is a blog about my life right?  Right now - not okay.  I'm beyond exhauseted.  I'm so stressed out and do you know - my parents never call me.  No one cares about  me anymore now that I don't drink - I feel ignored.  Whatever - I couldn't ge tto a meeting tonight - where I went it was closed - bot h places were closed - I woked all day and made 42 dollars.  I'm so tired and I feel like - just - so upset.  My super is smoking in his office and it's not completely horrible - but I smell it and it's irrintating my eyes.  I have a horrible rash on my neck - I feel like I am going to have  nervous breakdown or kill someone.  I just - I feel disrespected by my family - I was acting like  turd at the end of the day at work and Larni snapped at me and I don't know why I started working at this place.  Why did I tell my friend I would work at he store last Frieday - why did I do that?  I'm just - I'm never going to be okay - why do I even bother?  Why am I ever bothering?  I right now - I don't know.  Tomorrow is a new day - a new day to feel sad and lonely and old and fat and have no dog and nothing to come home to.  I'm just so upset - I'm just so tired and upset and I can't do it.  It's just never going to happen for me - why can't I just accept it?  Why do I keep fighting and trying to live this stupid childish dream?  I'm so embarrassed.  I just want to die again isn't that terrible?  Well I'm cryng maybe that's good - it will pass right?  I twill pass and I will wake up and lie to myself that I can be something and people will love me and respect me and whatever.  None of which matters right?  It's supposed to be me nd God?  One of my neighbors just cam ehome and I was crying and they slammed their door.  Do you know I am taking it personally that they din't shut their door in sucha way that I could tell they felt sorry for me?  I don't even know that neighbor - never even seen their face.  Well I guess I don't want to die now - suddenly - I cried it out I guess.  I don't really think I can go another full week of working without a day off.  I really don't know if I can do it.  I guess I will just take tomorrow - tomorrow.  I love you Bluebie - I guess as long as I have internet and electricity - I always have you.