I'm just not good today - no amount of fear is working - I just have nothing to give. I am surrounded by this pile of jewelry that I have been unable to deal with all day. I spent most of the day obsessing over that man NO from work and now suddenly - I don't care anymore - I'm completely over it. What the fuck is that? I'm so tired - I need to pick up my check from that job because I don't mean to brag - but I sent out September's rent and I need that money. I need to go home and do laundry and I feel like the only thing I should do is go to a meeting - I'm so off balance today. I think I'm being hard on myself. It's cold outside - it got really chilly and no one ever buys stuff in this beginning cold weather. There must be some way I can get my check, get to a meeting and get home and do laundry. And get to sleep at a decent hour. Okay so my teacher called me last night before class - I had sent him a message and he called me about that - then he was really nice and said maybe I could be moving up a level basically to the master teacher - right? So I was like "OH!! Oh - great - then I will go to that class and he won't be my teacher anymore and we can fall in love finally and I can somehow miraculously get pregnant and have his babies and be famous and it will be amazing awesome and done." You know I'm not even kidding that that was LITERALLY what I thought. Okay then I get to class, there's a pretty new girl there, he's SOOOOO nice to her says "Hi" to me all normal and not special and when she walk out of the room he WATCHED her all - like that man way - and then sighed a big sexual sigh AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE HE WAS DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! What the fuck is that??????? Ugh I am so mad we aren't getting married. Jeez. I'm fucking so sexually frustrated it's so annoying. Okay - so - what's my list? My man list? I want a MAN, someone available,
nice
funny
sweet
super hot
sexy
FUN
likeable
kind
understanding
easy to be around
totally interested and INTO me
the real me
someone who is either super sober and working a great program
OR
someone just normal sober
romantic
hard worker
what?
Okay - so THAT'S MY CHRISTMAS MAN WISH LIST. Bye Bluebie.
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