Having fun.

I went to an audition today - for a music video where the woman (me) gets this guy n a band to fool around with my husband and I'm going to watch.  SO they play the song and have the band player dance over to me and I flirt with him.  You know that side to side bob up and down AWFUL dance that white guys do?  That's what this guy was doing and it was so hilarious and awkward.  Only I'm supposed to be flirting with him and half way through I just lost it.  I don't mean I laughed - I just got nervous and uncomfortable.  All skakey and weird and not present.  Who cares - the great part was I went to the bathroom - took off my heels, put on flip-flops and went to do an open mike and went and watched another show and came home.  Also - I was better at talking to them before it started - WAY less awkward and I even made them laugh a little.  So that's something.  I just want a job - jobs - I'm so broke - it sucks.  I need to write something for myself - more than just comedy - that's all there is to it.  I'm so fucking glad I don't drink anymore - it was all so much harder when I drank and I would never just let myself leave someplace - it was so crazy.  I mean - after the show I went and watched - everyone was drinking and I just didn't want to even stay and so I left and it was wonderful.  Well I had fun though today - I did my work - met with my new sponsor - I took care of myself.  Now I'm home and I can get to work tomorrow and tomorrow night.  What am I doing?  I'm fighting - I guess that's what I'm doing - I'm fighting.  Fighting and not drinking.  I miss the dog still so much - it's so hard to come home to no her.  She was so sweet to come home to - so much love - so much sweet love.  Bye Bluebie - love you.