So ugh.

I don't know - SO ugh?  No - I guess not - things are better - I have PMS but not horrendous PMS - I just am tired but it's okay.  I'm here at the store although I was almost an hour late - the traffic was terrible and the bus took forever.  I went on 2 auditions yesterday and one was pretty decent - she really seemed to like me and worked with me for awhile and the one was fine - I could have looked better but it was hard to dress for both auditions.  I'm just so desperate for money.  I haven't paid my July rent and - I don't know - I'm not making any money.  It makes me so worried I'm not doing the right thing.  I paid my bills - I just haven't paid my rent.  I just want to lay down and read my book.  How do people do this?  I'm just - sad.  I miss the dog - her company - so much.  I saw a credit card ad on the subway today and I really considered getting one.  I get the offers in the mail all the time and I had a dream about a credit card last night.  I dreamed that I had one and I took it out to pay for something and I thought "Oh wow - I didn't even know I had that!"  Then I got a really bad feeling on the subway as I thought "I am just going to get a credit card."  Because that's where all the trouble starts.  Look if I'm not meant to be a working actress then I won't get any paying jobs and I will do something else - but I can't know that right now - it is going to take more time.  Also - fuck - how much more stressed out will I be charging shit to a credit card??  FUCK.  No - I shouldn't have to do something bad in order to do something that I want in my life.  I want to have good - not bad.  It will never work out that way anyway.  I have to trust.  I'm the worst at trusting.  I'm a bad truster - I really am.  Oh well - well - I can eat today - that's good.  I'm going to trust that I will be taken care of somehow - does that sound stupid?  Oh dear God - they are smoking outside of the door - I feel like I am going to die from the smoke - it's so gross.  Okay - I'm a mess today - it's okay.  Do you want to know a GOOD THING?  I got the mildew smell out of my towels with vinegar and baking soda.  So - see - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.