Hi

Hi.  Yeah so the phone call went well and I was nice and helpful but only a little bit and I didn't people please - I even stood up for myself and said I'm not sure what you are looking for?  THEN someone sent me something that was basically offensive to me and what did I do?  SAID IT WAS GREAT.  Okay Jesus - 2 stupid steps forward and 2 annoying steps back.  Better than just 2 steps back?  IS THAT HOW THIS GOES??  UGH.  Anyway I am taking care of myself and although these days are going by so fucking slowly I really am taking care of myself.  Cooking, water, exercise, writing - doing the fucking dishes.  It's so crazy the place I work now - one of them?  There is a person who does not do the dishes...they leave them all in the sink until I clean them or the cleaning person comes and cleans them.  It's so gross.  And sad!  Mostly sad because they don't have bugs but it's sad and I don't understand it.  Meanwhile I didn't do dishes for DECADES.  So hello. You now what?  I do get it...they don't like doing dishes so they don't do them and leave them for other people to do them.  OKAY.  Figured out that riddle.  I feel like I am back at the beginning of sobriety again with how slowly everything is moving....because I am having to make one little motion at a time......do one little thing at a time...just do this and just don't do that.  Sit and feel all this stuff but go to work for a little bit.  Eat some soup that you made instead of going to McDonald's.....just sit with it and don't.do.anything.  Isn't that the hard part?  Don't do anything.  I am literally shaking my head.  I had no idea how much I was hurting myself by doing so many things that did not make me feel good.  Made me feel bad!  But now I am just sitting here with nothing to do and a whole lot of feelings.  It's okay.  I get it.  How is it only fucking TUESDAY?  Jesus.  This another tectonic plate shift.....slowly, slowly slowly and excruciatingly uncomfortably moving away from people pleasing.  I'm in the hallway.  It's uncomfortable in the hallway.  It's harder to breathe in the hallway.  I have to say though really it's harder to breathe in those rooms where everyone is sucking the life out of them!  It's so crazy though really because even if someone has benefited from my people pleasing - people pleasing is still totally selfish.  And it's a lie.  SO OKAY I AM ONCE AGAIN NOT A VICTIM.  I guess it served me and no longer does.  I am going to say what I said yesterday again...I don't want to fucking hurt myself anymore and it's time I get really honest with myself that I AM THE ONE DOING IT - a lot of the time.  Okay so it's look at myself but don't beat myself up I guess.  I feel there is someone somewhere rolling their internet eyes while reading this but it helps me.  It helps me so much.  Thank you for reading.