What I am learning is SO CRAZY about being a dumb people-pleaser because I am not really a people-pleaser if after I people please I am ENRAGED. Or worse - are you ready? Depleted. DEPLETED. How fucking gross is that? I would die if someone was like (and they probably have been) "Oh yes last night was nice, we had dinner, went to the park and afterwards I felt completed depleted and devoid of nourishment. I was just SUCKED DRY! But I didn't say anything or leave - I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But yeah! Was really nice except how horrendous I feel today." Okay I don't know if anyone has ever said something like that about me - but maybe? OMG - I don't want to beat myself up. No need and I can't change anything until I realize it and even if I realized it before I really realize it now. Ready for Part 2?
(I probably said this before BUT) Part 2:
I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY INNER SHIP.
Okay so everyone is right? But I didn't know that! It has always been so fucking confusing to me. It's this empathy stuff too...am I feeling your feelings, my feelings or that man's feelings at that table over there? And what do I need to do? This is exhausting me writing this. In all of this is freedom - I know that. Freedom and a shift in responsibility - to me and my inner ship. My thoughts. My FUCKING DANCE SPACE. Why am I so worked up? I will tell you why.
Reason #1 - I am tired.
Reason #2 - I went to the radiologist for my check-up and she talked to me a lot about that stupid pill and it upset me. At first it upset me because as she was talking to (at) me about it I was doing this thing...Shaking my head up and down, intensely listening, giving her amazing eye contact - assuring her I was present and listening. MEANWHILE - I only went to her because she has been one of the only doctor's that hasn't given me a hard time for not taking this pill. So I was (GROSS) people-pleasing and I didn't even want to hear ANTYTHING she had to say. So I stopped myself mid people-pleasing. Shifted my eyes away and got my inner life in check and stopped "taking care of her" and just listened. Let my shoulders drop. She doesn't need me to take care of her. And I will tell you what else - it's hilarious to think I COULD take care of her. I said I went and got a second opinion and that that doctor also said I should take the pill and do you know what my radiologist said? She said (and I quote) "I don't need her to tell me you should take the pill - I am a radiologist oncologist - I know you should take the pill." OKAY. I am pretty sure she doesn't need me to worry about her FEELINGS. Or her ego - what.
Then after all that and her lecturing me (nicely) for 15 minutes she said I could make whatever decision I wanted and she would stand behind me. So that's good right? Very confusing and felt somewhat manipulative but also not. Anyway I went for my check-up and I will continue to take care of myself. It's sitting with my own feelings, sitting with my own stuff...making my own decisions and just accepting I can't please everyone or even anyone. I am really realizing also that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do. People act however they want to and if they want to be happy they are, if they want to be miserable they are. They man their ships and I man mine. I have just been mis-using my energy all these years. My energy, my money and my food. Just throwing my energy out the window and my money! And then just never ever nourishing myself correctly. I finally got an app and I am able to record all my food and see what nutrients I am and am not getting. It's blowing my fucking mind. I just have to record EVERYTHING and then I can manage it. But how do I record interacting with people? But really - there is only so much I can give - only so much I have. Just like everyone. I had no clue. I was giving out way more than I should and then also just taking on SO MUCH of people's shit - for FREE. But that's my fault but also I didn't realize that's what I was doing. ISNT THIS FUN?//
Okay byeeeeeeee.
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