Well I guess one thing that happens if one stays sober long enough is that the picture gets clearer and it just gets a lot fucking harder to try to force shit to happen. I am changing. My life is changing. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I know that sounds so crazy to hear since I have been trying to do exactly that for so long now but I still was. In so many ways. One of them is to do things I do.not.want.to.do. Over & over again. My guy says it's because of "the old days" when I was a drunk mess - like a left-over feeling of being a piece of shit and that I somehow owe it to people to do things I don't want to do and say yes when I mean no. Trying to make up for the long ago days. I also think it's just some seriously deeply ingrained inferiority complex and thinking that if someone feels like they are better than me than they must be and I owe it to them to do their bidding. Fuck me - it's hurting me to even WRITE this. But it's true. But I am done. I am done from a very, very healthy place because I do not want to hurt my body anymore. I love my body and doing this stuff hurts me and hurts my physical body too. It causes stress, tension and makes me feel sick. But also I don't have the time anymore.....did I ever? Who does? And why the fuck would I still be doing this stuff if I am working all the time everyday to try to figure out how to be the best version of myself as possible? If I don't feel good I am not a good version of myself.
Someone wrote to me this morning and asked me for help and I jumped at it....then I realized I felt horrible....they didn't even ask how I was - just can you help me. And listen this person has asked me for help many, many times and I never get anything out of it and I always keep helping. Because I feel like I owe this person something. But I don't. I owe me something now. I have never said no so it's not crazy this person would ask. I have had a huge part in all of these relationships where I end up feeling awful. So now it's changing because I just can't do it anymore. I love myself and I deserve so much better. My sponsor says that to me all the time and I have never heard anyone say it to me before outside of romantic relationships....but she says "Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way?" Fucking barf. I mean baaaaarf. So here we are. February 2020. I have been alive for a log time. I have been working on myself for a long, long time....and now I finally just don't want to hurt myself anymore. My poor body has been through enough. So now I need to practice saying no and being nice about it. It feels good to write that thank God. It also feels like it might be the most awkward thing I have ever tried to practice. Meanwhile I just got a flash of this person calling me, asking me for whatever and for the next year I work on this thing with them haha. Okay that's not going to happen. I guess I have just gotten healthy enough to not want to participate in my own abuse or help someone else do it. Even if they aren't conscious of it. I'm not saying I am huge victim of other people - I am saying that I have choices now that are VERY clear to me and I am allowed to make them. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders. I am responsible for me and my dance space. That's it. This is my dance space and that's your dance space. UGH. So fucking annoying. I am guessing though that this is a very teeny, tiny version of this lesson....so yeah it's okay. I will let you know how this phone call goes. Love you Bluebie.
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