Going Against My Instincts

Right now my instincts are saying to push, even though I do not feel well.  I couldn't sleep last night and the menopausal symptoms are in full force today.  I am having so much trouble being grateful and staying in the day.  Oooo!  My alcoholism is alive & well right now.  I did a lot of things to take care of myself - I prayed & meditated...made myself a delicious healthy meal...I called my sponsor...cancelled something that I was too tired to do....did the celery juice...did all the dishes...meditated AGAIN because my sponsor suggested it.  I put hair color in my hair and I will be able to shower before work.  I also exercised.  Did all my holistic things for my cancer.  It will shift - I know it will.  I will feel better.  It's so hard to have so suddenly gone into menopause & the painful sex part of it - whether or not it's from the chemo, the menopause or both - it sucks.  Meanwhile I'm such a wohre that it hasn't stopped me from having sex and I am hoping that the physical therapy I am doing will help it to change.  But WOW - does it suck.  For some reason I am thinking of people from my past who I might have told all these things to....have awful I feel physically and how the hormonal imbalance puts me in such a negative frame of mind.  How sad & hard it has been to go so suddenly into old age or this phase which feels old......then I am thinking how these people would not give me what I am looking for which is comfort and understanding.  Saying "Yes that does suck.  I am sorry you are going through that but I am sure it will shift!  You will feel better!"  So anyway I am telling myself those things.  I will feel better.  I will feel healthy and vibrant again although it will be different.  I have so many tools now and so many people to turn to for help. We can't give what we don't have to give also & for some reason I have turned to some very cold people for help.  Or seemingly cold.  Just empty cups.  Or again - seemingly empty cups.  We all need to take care of ourselves also and let's face it - dealing with emotions is TrIcKY.  Tricky.  Yikes!  Okay time to go get ready for work.  I can't wait to go to a meeting!  God!  Also I can't wait to walk the dog - he makes me so happy.  So lucky I get to do that again.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.