Quarter Pounder With Cheese

I ate one last night.  I was so fucking mad & upset that I ate a fucking quarter pounder with cheese and it was HOT and fucking JUICY and it dripped all over my fingers and it made me feel better.  I honestly & truly thought to myself "Why is this so bad?  IT'S FUCKING GOOD & I feel better!"  It's better than drinking and who cares??  There's fucking raccoon that's always eating at that McDonald's and he's FINE.  He eats and then waddles back into the woods.  FINE.  Then 2 hours later I took the napkin out of my care - wait - it was like 20 minutes later,,,and then napkin with grease all over it was hard as a rock.  Fucking gross.  Anyway it's been the worst fucking week.  We worked SO HARD at this dumb show and hardly anyone came and my partner just lost her shit and it was really, really awful.  The show itself was great.  But it was awful and I am hurt because she was mean to me.  Dismissive and also outright spoke to me like I am a fucking idiot.  Then tonight I had 2 shows...I wasn't expecting much but I thought I was getting paid a certain amount and then he pays me TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.  Which OKAY I WILL TAKE IT.  But this si what is happening...that everyone else got paid and I am just what - so nice that I can be the one to not get paid?  And the show was a fucking SHIT SHOW.  Seriously.  Okay - it's okay.  It's not okay because I am worth something but it is okay because I have fucking had it.  I have had it.  I'm tired of giving it away for free AND I was one of the best parts of those shows.  Fuck the other comics were so angry and it really rubbed off on me.  So it didn't help trying to not talk shit about this guy all night and then he pays me $10.00?  HA.  Wow.  Okay well yeah - had it.  I did stick up for myself and ask how I was getting paid (which is when he venmoed me $10.00).  Then I said I thought I was getting paid more which he ignored.  Also why wasn't he there?  I DONT KNOW.  Fucking comedy is so shady.  People are so shady.  He has taken care of me almost all other times.  We also never got paid from this show we did last night either.  Which doesn't feel like is going to work out in my favor but it's okay.  It's okay - my time is coming and it's going to be grand.  Tomorrow I have the day off and I can get myself together.  Thank God I have other work that I do and that I am on a budget now.  What is going on with this guy that he would do something like that?  You know he was vague and used language that was - well vague.  So I suppose I misunderstood.  I didn't clarify.  So.  So okay.  It's not what I am supposed to be doing that's all.  Sure I can still work with him if I am going to get paid and I will ask and clarify.  He isn't making good choices.  So it isn't something I really want to invest a bunch of time in.  Jesus I am so trying to talk myself out of being so angry.  It's so unhealthy.  I'm sad.  I'm sad that people take advantage of other people.  I think what is really upsetting me is that he told me not produce a show someplace else - he strong armed me.  He said he couldn't book me anymore if that was what I was going to do.  I mean I couldn't care less - I didn't even know the other guy that asked me to do the show.  I just feel fucked with as far as money goes.  God I am so tired now.  I just want to feel my feelings and fucking heal from this week.  Exercise and see my family.  I am taken care of.  I am fine.  I mean I really am.  I need to let go.  Get some rest.  Let it go.  It was a shitty week - oh well.  It happens.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm sober and I have tools and help.  I love and I am loved.  And I am realizing I have something that no one can take away from me.  So that makes me very fucking lucky.  So tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.