Awareness.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  Until I become aware of it , I can't change it - ugh and until I become aware of it - and ACCEPT it - I can't change it.  Anyway I was going to go on a whole thing that well - no wait.  It deos matter.  It matters to me.  Here's the thing - it's been a rough few weeks an in fact - months.  Wait - YEARS.  Cancer has changed my life for the better but going through all this has been so difficult and transformation is painful.  So now I am learning how my codependency has manifested - OH MY GOD NO.  I am not writing about that either.  WHAT AM I TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT?

That I am an empathy.  I get confused when other people don't feel well and I think it's me who doesn't feel well.  Then I get upset.  Then I attack myself.

HOW ABOUT THAT SHIT SANDWICH?

EXCEPT......

I have finally become aware of it.  And this is one of the things I have struggled with incessantly with throughout my life.  That and a million other things but right now today and after these last few months of struggling with other people's energies and my own and not understanding what has been going on - this is one of the conclusions I have come to.  I also have the codependent stuff where I want people to be different and I hope that if I am different then they will be different and guess what?  THAT ALSO DOESNT WORK OUT SO GOOD.


So here I am now - with a lot of intel and I really need - no - I really want to heal.  But most of all and this is one of the reasons I truly think I got cancer & this is going to take a lot of fucking practice and it is not going to change overnight but.......

I can not longer attack myself.  Or rather - wait this is so confusing because it feels like I am attacking myself for attacking myself.  I am learning - here we go - I am learning to recognize that I am attacking myself and I can slowly shift that barge in a different direction.  I never even realized that that's what I was doing.  Now when I feel my stomach start to beat and I start to panic and wonder why I feel so awful I stop and say to myself "You are being hard on yourself....increase your positive emotions, breathe - you don't have to do this to yourself." Last night I must have woken up 5 times and had to do that.  The good news is I kept going back to sleep.  2 years ago or even 6 months ago I would have been awake the whole night.  Jesus - 3 weeks ago!

My friend got upset with me.  Someone who I work with a lot.  I was late to something and then she - listen - she didn't handle it well.  Then she basically blamed me.  That's the truth.  It's uncomfortable for me to say that but it's the truth.  I had been taking care of her emotionally and I wasn't there to do it and she didn't react well.  But I had a part in that.  My part was taking care of her emotionally.  And I do that with people and it's manipulative.  There is an asset to it because I am kind but it was imbalanced. It's super uncomfortable but I have done something which I have almost never done before and that is from a truly kind place I have done my own work around this.....looked at my part...and continued to take care of myself and most importantly....I did not tell her to go fuck herself.  And trust me when I say that after someone tells you that you are to blame for their poor behavior it is VERY DIFFICULT to not say go fuck yourself.  But again there was a dance pattern in place that I wasn't there to dance and I helped set up that pattern. So it's so crazy right?  To look at this...see my part & her part and then not hurt myself because it is SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.  Holy shit.  I have had to sit on my hands to not text her, write to her, message her, send her VIBES.  Good Lord.  Challenging is an understatement. 

Here's the most amazing thing also - so so amazing......and this happened to me while I was drinking and I was truly so lucky to have this clarity of thought before my brain got completely melted from booze and drugs.......

It is fucking boring to continue to live like this.  It was a boring, predictable pattern to continue to drink and just destroy myself.  It's not loving and it's not kind and it's certainly not interesting.  I am not sure what is going to happen but  I am willing to go through the pain of healing and moving in a different direction.  Ugh and it's been a tedious couple of weeks while I continued to be polite and as a kind as possible while we dealt with different things together.  And it's also been tedious while I continue to be as kind to myself as possible while I sit in this discomfort.  It's physically uncomfortable!  But well - okay - that's life.  I have solutions and one of them I am doing right now.  I write, I get it out, I feel better.  I will continue on with my day and just stay in today.  I have my guy, work, my meeting and service and a show.  That's enough for today.  And breathe.  I am going to continue to drop my shoulders and breathe.  Progress not perfection.  Just a little bit of progress.

Love you Bluebie bye.