Well so here I am...

doing what I love again.  I am working on another acting job and I am pinching myself because it's in such a cool place!  So that's what I was so worried about - I booked it and then had no idea what was happening.  I went to 3 auditions for it!  So fucking exciting and surreal.  So surreal!  Anyway I am trying to stay positive....my babysitting job didn't like it so that was fucking with my head....then a sponsee got upset with me and that fucked with my head.  However what I learned with her is that I can't help anyone.  I can't!  I have been hearing people say it for years.  YEARS.  That all we do in the program is share our experience and then people will do with it what they will.  So with this sponsee I just have helped SO MUCH & told her the answers over & over again and now I am angry but what is really good is that I don't want to do this to myself.  I don't!  How wonderful is that?  She will be okay but I won't be if I continue with this behavior.  I mean maybe she won't be but she wouldn't be even if I hurt myself trying to help her.  Either way it's not up to me.  God what a fucking relief to finally realize this.  So the challenge now is to somehow be kind when I say this isn't working for me.  Which I think I can do because I love her and I don't want the friendship to be ruined.  My guy said to me that it's the alanon defect - that we help so much until we are angry about it.  Ew.  Years ago - God I can't believe I'm going to say this but this woman was basically trying to make me feel better about something - I was so upset.....crying - a real mess.  Feeling super sorry for myself and she talke dot me a little bit, made a suggestion and then she said "Woooo - dealing with feelings!  Ugh!"  Then she shook herself off and said she had to go because she wanted to enjoy her day.  She went out into the sunshine in her cute outfit and I thought she was jus the biggest cunt on the face of the planet.  Now I get it.  I mean I needed HELP.  I was a drunk, high mess and that woman was not going to be able to help me.  I mean she was being cunty for sure but she was taking care of herself.  So my challenge is to be kind & loving while I take care of myself and not make this person feel like I am dismissing.  I mean she is so difficult so it's enraging.  But that doesn't matter - she isn't well and I am sorry for that but it's not because of me and there isn't one thing I can do about it.  My experience is that I do and have done the work.  For a long time.  I hope one day at a time I continue to do the work.  So that's it!  That's my experience.  What is also my experience is every single time I try to hard with a sponsee it doesn't work out anyway because I get angry.  The I am the cunty one!  Isn't it crazy that the kindest thing I can do is say "Okay well that's all I have to give.  That's how I did it - that's all.  I love you!  You can do it if you want to."  Now I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.  Love you Bluebie bye.