Growing Up.

I'm sitting here in my office on a Saturday for 2 minutes while I write this....I did a lot already today and I woke up at 6:30.  It's sunny & chilly - definitely a Fall day.  I just went and got groceries and I have a show later so I need to get ready for that.  I went to Alanon this morning....I was looking a for a new alanon sponsor but I didn't get one.  I did have a fantastic meeting and I felt so much better after I left.  I really do have both dis-eases.  I'm a completely self-centered drunk and then I am also driven MAD by other people's alcoholism and I want to fix them, change them, make them into something different so THAT THEY WILL BE OKAY.  And then!  I will be okay.  Well I did that with men and it never worked and now I have done it with SO MANY female relationships and guess what?  Didn't work.  But the good news is that now I am learning all the time a different way to live.  Recently and by recently I mean this week I had yet another one of these things happen and it has been driving me mad.  Today I heard though to "take a step back" and that this is the healthy thing to do.  I was doing that but I was mad.  I'm still mad.  This person asked for my help but doesn't like the help because the help is recovery and they don't want to do that.  Which I understand but that's what I have to give.  Soooooo basically this person told me I'm not nice & to back off.  Which hurt my feelings but also was enraging mainly because I need alanon.  I need to take care of myself and focus on myself and fucking stop trying to save, fix & help other people.  This person wants a relationship with me but not really.  They want a therapist or I don't know a babysitter but not a relationship.  Not a back &forth REAL RELATE-TIONSHIP.  But okay do I?  Is that what I want?  I must equally be responsible for this unhealthy thing that has happened.  I am attached to the outcomes and WOW it's fucking painful & feels unattainable.  So huge sigh.  I am just going to take care of myself today and let space come between us from a place of love.  I'm going to let it go for right now.  I'm going to do my work and eventually talk to my sponsor.  One thing I learned from this new sponsor is that we walk side by side with people in these programs...side by side....and this work is supposed to help me.  I know she is being my teacher right now but it is causing me distress and I can't sleep.  So this isn't helping my sobriety.  It's okay I can feel it will be okay but not today.  Oh boy.  Well.  I just got SO TIRED.  Gotta exercise - keep up my strength as it gets cold out.  Get out in that fresh air!  Move my muscles and bounce my cells around so my immune system is pumping.  Yup.  Yuuuuuuuuup.  Bye.