You might be surprised but....

I am upset about something.  How in the world do I say this?  How do I say this without saying it?  I got my feelings hurt - okay I can say that.  I got my feelings hurt by someone who has hurt my feelings many times.  Okay I can say that too.  Gosh it's so fucking weird but I feel better already.  Also it's hilarious that I just wrote "gosh" the wrote "fucking" right after that - haha.  So I got my feelings hurt and it's just so nuts how it then is a mind fuck of did I somehow ask for this, what's really going on - blah blah.  I don't even think that's what I mean.  What it is is this.  I just can't let shit go.  Also what?  It just sucks.  I'm sad and confused and it makes me sick to my stomach.  The confusion - what's my part - what in the fuck is actually going on?  Well then also there's this.....I have no idea.  Honestly and truly at the end of the day I have no fucking clue what is going on.  So then that's the answer.  I don't know and I have so much to do and focus on and that is so uncomfortable.  I guess I want what I have wanted many, many times in my life.  I want the thing I want from somewhere and someone else.  It's never going to happen.  Isn't there a more positive way to say that?  Ugh it makes me want to throw up that I am going to say this but - it's in me what I am looking for.  Gross.  Not gross?  Gross.  Holy shit I am so tired.  It's so late - the guy has been away so I have been staying up late like a crazy lady.  I am so fucking uncomfortable.  Fine.  Fine.  I am uncomfortable because I went to try to get fucking oranges from the hardware store.  Again.  If the was an award you could win for trying to do something that doesn't work over & over again - I WOULD WIN THAT SHIT.  WINNER.  Okay I am so exhausted.  Jesus I am going to meditate again before I go to bed....my head is messy but worse than that so is my heart.  My heart deserves better.  My heart deserves the love.  What in the holy fuck am I talking about.  I know what I am talking about and it's helping me.  GREAT.  Love you B.Luebie,bye.