Can't Sleep.

I went to bed right after I made the previous post, fell asleep and then woke right back up like I often do.  I usually blame the guy but he isn't here.  Aw!  What a turd I am to blame him!  Anyway he isn't here so it's not his fault this time.  I then proceeded to lay here and be upset still trying to figure out what the fuck I am so so upset about - driving me nuts.  Then I jerked off or whatever women call it (I call it that) and then thought for sure I would fall back asleep and stop thinking about this.  Then not so much - I was just a little bit more relaxed and obsessing.  So then I said my mantra - felt a little better but still not sleeping.  Then I realized what the fuck is so upsetting and it's shame.  I feel fucking embarrassed and ashamed.  That's what it is.  I can't for the life of me figure out why - it's so elusive to me......I guess it's the confusion and that I somehow made myself vulnerable but also I wanted - what?  Some kind of love and what??  I can't find the word.  Holy shit what am I trying to say?  An affirmation of some kind I guess although that's not exactly right.  Well anyway so I realized that and then I realized I don't have to do this or fight this fight.  Serenity is what I'm after.  Kindness.  Hope.  Love.  Barf.  Strength.  I have so much to be grateful for.  It's focusing on myself and moving on that's all.  OMG I wanted CONNECTION.  That's it.  That's IT.  Isn't that what we all want?  Why is so hard sometimes?  Also why are relationships so much fucking work?  I guess this is why life is a mystery - things work out, then they don't.  People change and people don't.  People seem wonderful and then they aren't.  We grow and others don't.  I don't get anything sometimes.  I can say this....I want to keep going.  I want to live.  That's hard to say.  It's such a struggle and what's the biggest struggle is - relationships.  With ourselves and other people.  So how do I stay kind?  Truly kind?  How do I stay in myself - take care of myself - be true to myself?  While maintaining relationships that are healthy and kind?  I get so pulled off myself around other people.  Or at least I have ever since I got sober.  I don't know.  I guess I just keep going that's all.  Jesus I really hope that once this stuff wears off that I will sleep again.  It's 1:39 am.  I am wide awake man.  Gosh I miss the guy!  I guess I will read now.  I do feel better.  I have to say that I am not as angry as I used to be about things like this.  I would have just been enraged.  I was hurt and angry but it wasn't like psycho level rage.  So that's growth.  This woman said tonight you have to drop the anger to steer the sail?  Omg I can't remember haha.  Something like that.  I have a lot to do.  Hopefully goodnight!!  xoxoxoxo