Still Compromised.....

I'm a hot mess.  The steroid has now worn off for this week and I am back in bed.  I am so so tired - just exhausted.  The chemo is cumulative and this week and last week it really feels like it.  I was able to make it through Thursday last week without getting back in bed but this week I am back in bed ON Thursday.  I don't have anything to do so it's okay.  The kids don't have school or power so the dad has them at a hotel.  I don't have any shows or anything until Sunday so that's good too.  So I can be in bed and rest and read.  I was STARVING yesterday from the steroid.  I ate 4 cinnamon rolls.  FOUR.  I would have eaten more but the guy was here and watching me.  I could have eaten the whole pan seriously.  I also ate 2 burgers - NO BUNS.  How's that for self-control???  2 BURGERS NO BUNS.  Good Christ.  I'm trying SO HARD to be nice to myself.  I'm telling myself I'm not doing anything wrong I'm just compromised from chemo and having a reaction to the steroids.  Everyone gets crazy and hungry on steroids - that's what ROID RAGE is all about!  It's a real thing!  I'm doing so good!  I have been very positive and so grateful that I can be home and resting.  We have power and that has been amazing!  The snow storm was completely crazy and so many people, schools, churches and businesses don't have power.  I get to be home, here in my bed with my pajamas on AND my hair is growing back.  It's gone from white to blonde now.  Is it possible my hair will grow back in BLONDE?  How fucking weird is that?  After coloring my hair for the last bunch of years it's weird to think of it growing in the color I actually WANT it to be.  I'm sure it will keep changing.  All I need to do is rest and be kind to myself.  I felt a huge shift after I meditated this morning so I think I will meditate again this afternoon.  Is this where acceptance comes in?  I think yes.  My finger nails are getting a little funny from the chemo - I hope they don't fall off.  I have been using the tea tree oil on them like they told me to.  I am going to rest.  I am going to rest and read and continue to practice being nice to myself and accept that just for today I need to just be calm.  The sun is shining on my bed right now and it's so lovely.  I am going to be done in 3 weeks and then I will start to heal and blossom with the Spring.  I am so grateful that this treatment was in the Winter.  Love you Bluebie bye.