Back in Bed With Sunday

I'm back in bed although I don't actually feel so awful today just a bit tired.  Also it's so cozy in bed!  I just love out bedroom so I got back in bed.  The guy is in the living room with the headphones on watching Meet The Press.  I can't watch that show or really any television during the day - it make me feel bad.  Like when I drank during the day.  Okay anyway......I have the one more chemo coming up on Tuesday.  I am going to make cupcakes for everyone and they better like it!  I just want to do something to celebrate.  I am still concerned about radiation.  I guess I am still worried about the side effects.  Yes that's it.  I am worried about it hurting me and I don't actually totally understand what the side effects are.  Is it side-effects or side effects?  I think it's side-effects.  I have some Earl Grey tea sitting next to me and it smells so good!  That's nice right?  I'm going to meet Larni tonight to go get something to eat and I'm excited.  That's part of why I am resting right now too - to conserve my energy.  Oh my God this tea tastes so good!  How healing it is to have tea in bed!  I'm still breaking out like crazy ugh.  What else?  Oh I don't know I'm trying to heal in general.  I'm just letting myself do that even though it feels so foreign to me for some reason.  I guess it's the self-care part that's difficult and the just truly caring for myself.  It's very uncomfortable.  Allowing myself to do what truly feels in my heart good for myself rather than pushing myself from something my head is telling me is right.  Also I'm exhausted so I don't have the energy for much anyway.  Yesterday I went to my ladies meeting, went to breakfast, went to the library, went to the bank, came home, went for a walk, went to vitamin shoppe, ate sour patch kids in the 7-Eleven parking lot by myself (WAS GREAT), came home, rested and read in bed for a couple of hours, made dinner, did the dishes, watched a movie and that show Love on Netflix and WENT TO BED EARLY.  That's it!  Like a retired person!  I was relatively calm doing everything also because I am not as stressed out anymore.  I just don't want to be.  IM NOT INTO STRESS ANYMORE.  I had one show this week and it was great!  I miss class so much but again I don't have the energy.  Would you do the radiation?  Doesn't it sound so scary?  I researched it a bit yesterday and I guess I am just worried about getting lymphedema mostly.  Ugh I don't know.  It's hard to think about it when I am still compromised from the chemo.  Something feels off about it but what?  I guess I just have no idea what it is and I don't really understand why I am doing it.  My poor boobs.  I'm confused, which my therapist says happens when I am angry.  Am I angry?  I guess I am super upset to have to do more treatment especially something that could hurt me.  How is this my life?  It's so crazy.  Yes I am unclear what I am agreeing to and I don't even really want to do it.  I was originally not wanting to do it because I want to go back to working and going on auditions.  My hair is still growing back and I have pimples and I'm bloated from the steroids and chemo - so I don't really want to go back yet.  I just want to be and get healthy!  I want to heal not have more treatment.  Ugh I don't know what to do.  Who can I ask?  I'm sure there are some message boards I can read.  Hmmm - okay love you Bluebie bye.