Stillness.

I have no idea why I wrote that title.  I guess it was quiet for a second do I thought it?  Who the fuck knows.  I have a follow-up appointment today with the breast surgeon.  I think she will say whether or not I am healed enough for chemo?  I have no idea - the in between, the up and down, the unknowing is so exhausting and terrifying.  I' much better for sure - I'm less numb and less swollen - the right side is very healed - the left is better.  Fuck yeah I am terrified.  There won't even be any needles or anything today!  I'm so tired.  I was so uncomfortable last night - it doesn't hurt enough on the left side to take the medication anymore but it's still very uncomfortable.  Oh boy well I'm a little bit of a mess and it's OKAY.  I am allowed to be Jesus Fucking Christ.  I had shows over the weekend and that was great.  I have a show tonight and tomorrow night and that is fucking fantastic.  Thank God!  Okay - I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  That one is for a study I said I would be part of.  It's for diet and exercise but I might not be in the group that exercises at first.  I have to ask about that.  I can't not exercise for a year - the walking is helping me so much it's amazing.  I have to keep doing that.  It shifts my whole brain and perception.  I am obsessing right now over people who I FEEL like I don't get much of a return from.  It's alanon.  I just need to focus on myself.  That's it!  It is 10:00 am and I am already exhausted.  It's very humid - I think that's part of it.  All day yesterday I was so lightheaded that I felt like I was high - it was awful.  OMG!  That just reminded me of a dream I had last night!  I was doing coke!  I was doing coke and I liked it.  What the fuck?  I was doing coke and then not talking about it at meetings and trying to figure out how to get more coke.  My recurring dream where I pick up more and more each time has now progressed to coke.  I drink, smoke pot and now do coke in this fucking dream.  I was also dreaming I worked in a store underwater and I in front of this big mirror I kept jumping up and down and touching my toes in a straddle - ha.  Then I realized I probably needed air and went to swim to the top but kept being able to breath underwater.  I kept taking in big breaths and thinking how strange it was I could breath.  I DEFINITELY SMOKE POT IN MY DREAMS YUP.  I have to get ready to go to this appointment.  It's okay!  I can do this.  I got this and I can get myself some sort of treat for going.  Like a Big Mac or something.  Ha - no.  Do you know on this show I did on Saturday night?  There was a guy who was in prison for 13 months - had just gotten out and he was sooo fucking nervous to perform.  I told him I totally related!  He told me his girlfriend had a vibrator in her and he the remote and was using it on her to help him be less nervous.  Right?  Why did he tell me that??  I HAVE NO IDEA.  Then he asked me to hold his cell phone and not give it to his girlfriend.  Then I thought - holy shit, I have breast cancer and this little fucking felon is trying to get me to fuck him and his girlfriend.  NICE.  Byeeeeeee.