It took a week....

for me to realize how intense my surgery was.  I thought I had a lumpectomy on each side - is that what I wrote?  I have no idea and I'm not sure why I feel the need to clarify whatever I might have written - who gives a fuck - BUT - it's so crazy what the mind does to make something alright in the moment.  I had to sign the form before surgery and she read me exactly what was there while I read it.  It said partial mastectomy with reconstruction.  In my head I was like "Okay that just means lumpectomy.  I can't remember what it said for the other side.  I just remember that.  I t took until yesterday - after a week of healing for me to realize how much more extensive the surgery was on the left side.  I mean the right side I can use fairly well - I can't job or do MUCH but it's okay.  The left side is swollen and it feels displaced and well as a constant level on pain.  So I did some research and realized what was done and more than that I just took in the reality of my situation.  Ugh does this make sense?  Do I sound like I'm full of shit?  How fucking TOTALLY INSANE IS IT THAT I AM WORRIED IF I'M BEING AUTHENTIC IN MY BREAST CANCER?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Jesus Christ.  Okay anyway.  The reconstruction looks kind of bizarre but I think it's still swollen but also - who cares?  There were 4 fucking tumors in me.  I'm so grateful she did the surgery!  This is the craziest  - I don't know - thing ever.  We had some sort of weird sex last night.  It was only weird because I just laid there and haha he tried not to move me at all.  When I came I was like trying to keep it to the lower part of my body - I was so scared it was going to hurt or like burst my incisions.  That probably falls under the "TMI" whatever it's called.  Folder?  Category?  Ugh who cares.  I'm definitely still tired but I am feeling more healed.  I'm going to the doctor today - I'm waiting for the guy to pick me up.  I really have to take this one day at a time.  I saw the kids yesterday and tutored them and that helped so much.  My brother and his wife came to visit too and took us to lunch.  It was exhausting but the love is so healing.  I also got to a meeting yesterday and that REALLY helped.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.