The Never Ending Layers of Fucking Onion.

I mean - listen - my mind is kind of blown.  I do NOT know how to make money!  I don't.  What's worse is a lot of the time - I DONT EVEN FUCKING CARE.  I don't care until I have to wear ugly ass clothes and then guess what - I CARE.  Wow - that's the level of my depth concerning finances.  Clothes.  Jesus Christ.  Now the guy is super stressed and worried about money but okay - wait.  Wait.  That's not even it.  I deserve to make money.  I deserve to make money doing something I love and something I'm good at.  This is a real thing.  I don't know what I'm trying to say - I'm so embarrassed that I have so many fucking problems.  I'm just in my own way all the time.  What is this life lesson?  Why do I need to learn this?  What the fuck was I in another life?  UGH - I'm being so hard an myself and FOR WHAT?  I just need a job.  I need a job that can pay my bills while I pursue my passions.  That's all.  That's it.  It feels not right.  Why?  Oh because I DONT WANT TO WORK.  That's why.  I'm fucking tired.  I'm tired and OLD.  I'm not that old but I'm definitely TIRED.  But I cant just be apathetic about money.  I cant just drive my guy into the ground.  I'm an adult and it's not sober to not take care of myself or my life.  It just isn't.  There has to be balance.  It's also hurting the relationship.  Okay and - okay.  I'm so tired.  I need to go to an alanon meeting and I need to take a shower.  SELF-CARE.  IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-CARE.  Right now my idea of self-care is going to bed even though it's only 5:30.  I'm going to ignore that instinct.  I should ignore all my instincts.  Love you Bluebie bye.