Grief.

I'm home and on the couch.  I didn't go to work this week - I haven't been to work since 2 Sundays ago.  Im so tired and lethargic.  I went to a meeting last night - it was weird.  I went to one today and it was weirder.  Then I went to this beautiful grocery store and bought some over-priced groceries and felt a little better.  I have really just been sitting on the couch reading articles and chatting online.  Im pretty useless but its okay.  I took a nap and I paid one bill.  I have some things to do around the house but it's 90 degrees and Im hot.  Maybe I should make myself some lunch.  Dinner?  Dinner I guess.  Grief is draining.  Im just drained.  I wrote in my journal and then I couldn't wait to come on here and write since I have the time - and now I feel like I have nothing to say.  This year has been so much change.  I moved, changed jobs twice, started to drive again and into the city, changed sponsors twice - what else?  I changed my class.....That suddenly doesn't seem like that much but add my father dying to it and that's a huge change.  Life changing.  It's okay though.  I mean I'm a little shut down right now but it's okay.  I miss my father but he had a beautiful send off.  Everything was beautiful and loving.  So crazy - I still can't believe it.  Yesterday was my birthday - our birthday - it's my guy's birthday too and that was hard.  Really hard.  My mother never called me but honestly I didn't even realize she didn't until today.  I'm not even a tiny bit upset - I can't even imagine what she's going through.  55 years they were married and she had to bury him on their anniversary.  I'm not feeling very good about just leaving hi in the ground like that in a box.  What a fucking bizarre tradition.  It gives us someplace to go I guess to visit him.....ugh I am so wildly uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted and I want to run away at the same time.  Im still so grateful I'm sober.  Of that I am sure.  Love you Bluebie bye.