My father is still dead......

Yeah.  Hasn't changed.  I went back to work yesterday and it was awful.  Im over that job once again.  My guy wants me to go full-time actress.  Full-time creative.  How amazing is that?  So of course - once again - I am convinced he is trying to kill me.  How is this guy so wonderful?  Im scared as fuck.  Im mostly afraid that I am going to ACT like I am ACTING but what Im really doing is FUCKING AROUND and going to the beach.  Seriously.  Im so terrified.  I feel so full of shit and not talented.  Not all the time just around being a professional.  Why don't I have any of that I AM AWESOME - I AM KICK-ASS - I AM THE LIGHT THE WORLD NEEDS???  I have it a little but only - only once every 10 years or something incredibly not helpful like that.  Good lord.  All my shit is coming up too.  How can it not?  My father died.  And he just - DIED.  No warning - no nothing - just - gone.  Jesus Christ.  I think Im at the anger stage of grief.  It just seems rude.  Ugh I can't even let myself feel angry - I'm feeling guilty for feeling angry.  CHRIST.  The grief is so painful so Im turning to - looking at things online I shouldn't - or - or thinking about how hurt I am that my acting teacher hasn't reached out to me about my father.  That he didn't write to me to say - I'm so sorry - he was so good looking and wow - you must be in so much pain.  WHAT???  If he wrote that to me I would be like what the fuck weirdo??  Maybe.  It's just such a good distraction.  Because when I'm present - my body hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My heart - HURTS.  It's so heavy.  Now I feel like I am trying to be in pain.  It really is waves.  Sometimes I feel like am past it and that - wow - I feel better.  Then all of a sudden - I'm deep in grief.  Oh for fuck's sake.  Shut up.  It's just so uncomfortable.  I started to get a little numb over the weekend and honestly - I liked it.  Then I went to work yesterday and it was awful.  People are awful.  They are so fucking needy at that restaurant and just - THEY MAKE NO SENSE.  One man was like "Okay - I will have the fried chicken and waffles."  Right?  Then he was like (in a fucking TIZZY all of a sudden) as he hands me his place setting and napkin "And can you get me a new place setting???  I had to clean my seat so, so, so, soooo I need a new place setting?!?!?  Okay??"  Then he shoves his stuff at me even though I have menus and everything else in my hands.  He also was showing me his napkin with something on it - I guess for proof of why he was freaking out all of a sudden - even though the whole time I took their order - he was FINE.  Okay but that's not even my point.  My point is - he was freaking out about some DIRT - on his NAPKIN - like it was LEFT there after someone wiped THEIR ass with it - right?  Only he OREDERED FRIED CHICKEN AND WAFFLES.  Okay you are about to eat SHIT right now but you are flipping the fuck out about some dirt on your napkin??  Okay - so yeah - I guess I'm angry.  I just don't know what's going to happen.  I have been home though today and I loved it.  I went to a meeting and the park.  Also a beautiful grocery store and - and what else?  I ran an errand for my love.  I just re-read what I wrote and I sound crazy. HA!  Good.  BYE.