Switch.

Well after another horrible day yesterday and feeling really scared about how not well I was - I had a totally cathartic experience at a Natalie Merchant concert last night.  I'm not really even a fan or I wasn't anyway but there was some kind of tectonic shift that happened and I feel SO much better.  First of all as soon as we got there my guy went to the bathroom and while he was in there some man collapsed in front of me.  It was crazy - he was in his 60s and my instinct said it wasn't good so I offered to call 911 which they said not to - there was a nurse in the house.  Okaaay so I waited until it was clear that he was really not fucking okay and then I called - which I will never wait again - but well - finally the medics came and he - well I don't know - it made my thoughts about myself dissipate.  Plus at this point his wife was kind of hysterical - of course and I just was shook up.  So we go to the concert and it was AMAZING.  This gospel singer Corliss Stafford broke my heart wide open and there was this super hot chick drummer.  I don't know - I just sat there crying and listening (and trying not to kill the fucking bizarre woman who was eating popcorn throughout the WHOLE concert like a fucking psycho) and I found myself thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT?  WHO FUCKING CARES I'M DONE."  But in a really great way.  I can't really explain it - I was just like fuck it - I'm doing everything in a completely different way now - that's it - none of this has worked (I'm not talking about sobriety or the guy) and that's it - I just want to be sober - get my alanon shit together and just do things completely in a different direction - that's it - turn it around and fuck it.  So there you go - love you Bluebie bye.