I'm up, I'm down, I'm up - I'm down but right now I'm up.

So that's good I guess.  I've just been having a hard time figuring out where to go and money is so totally super tight.  So it's the weirdest thing that I have having SUCH a hard time replacing waitressing.  I mean what did I think - I was going to do it forever?  Maybe - somewhere deep inside me maybe I really thought that.  Well I can't.  I even tried to get a couple of jobs and it hasn't worked out - waitressing that is.  It's just over and it feels like (I'm embarrassed to say) like what happened at the end of my drinking - I couldn't drink anymore and I had no idea what to do so I just had to be really uncomfortable and go into the program.  So now I'm just really uncomfortable and trying new things.  I am applying to jobs and I am reaching out.  Holy shit my neck is so fucking tense right now.  I also just told myself to keep searching and just figure it out.  That's all.  And take showers.  I didn't take a shower yesterday and it was a gloomy day and honestly I got a little suicidal.  I mean not totally just a tinge of why do I exist.  Anyway I spoke at a meeting on Monday night and turned bright red and cried - sexy right?  I also broke out in a rash on my face.  SO - that was good.  Well and it was good - I was of service - whatever that means.  I men it means what it means - I'm just trying not to say it from an ego place. OMG.  Bye.