Am I getting depressed?

I feel a little depressed or a lot - why am I even lying?  This is anonymous (mostly) and what's the fucking point of lying?  It's early and I'm awake - it smells like cigarettes in here and I keep saying to myself "It's not happening to me it's just happening."  I keep practicing acceptance but it's so annoying and gross.  Every Sunday night.  All the time - ugh.  I have to go waitress and - I don't know - what am I doing?  This is so ridiculous.  I'm getting so out of shape and - well - why am I writing this?  How have they not sent me on one more audition from that place?  How do I have no shows this week?  How am I so lost?  I'm so old what is the point?  I mean I'm really starting to think this is really ridiculous.  I have no drive.  I'm fucking exhausted.  Okay - whatever - 4 steps forward - 3 steps back - I need to drink coffee bye.