Yeesh.

I'm supposed to film something for a friend - literally be behind the camera and then edit it for her.  I can do the camera work and do it well and I have been having fun using the camera my sister gave me to practice with.  However I may have gotten an acting job and the days conflict.  What am I supposed to do?  We already set the dates but - I don't know - I'm - I don't even want to do it is the problem.  So here is what I didn't do over the last couple of days at the store when it seemed super crazy - I didn't say anything - restraint of pen and tongue.  That was the right thing to do.  Now - now I am pretty sure the program would say that I have made this commitment and I should stick to it.  This dog - I swear to God - it's insane - she just bumps around and falls over all the time.  Ugh - she's so skinny too - she's so not okay.  However - she's eating, she DEFINITELY peeing and pooping and she's go this dog walker who sits with her and carries her outside and sits with her on the stoop.  It smelled again like he took a giant man shit in my bathroom but maybe also there is something wrong with the toilet?  I cleaned the bathroom when I got home so I would know for sure tomorrow night if he is.  I really don't care to be honest but it seems strange since he lives next door.  Hmmm - so odd.  Well anyway - she's fading away but she's still here.  Okay - so it's a new day tomorrow so that's good and I'm doing an open mike/booked show tomorrow night.  My brother said to me years ago and a few times since - that if I'm not doing something everyday towards acting and my craft than I shouldn't be here.  So tonight I had class and I submitted myself for a bunch of stuff and I arranged my schedule so I can either shoot in front of the camera or behind it.  I wish I could do both to be honest.  Both pay - the acting one better and neither very much.  Together it would be awesome.  Anyway I think about my brother saying that all the time and I think only a guy would say that.  My sisters never say anything like that to me.  My little sister just can't understand why I don't dance more.  WOW - this blog is journally for me.  I went to a meeting tonight and forced myself to talk to people.  I met a nice gay man - named - oh let's make up a name for him - Bart.  Yes - he is a Bart for sure.  Bart has glasses and so much pain it's popping out of his eyes.  His hair looked amazing though!  They serve cookies and coffee first so it makes it easy to at least try to talk to people.  I need and want to amp up my program.  I think it's like anything - I just shouldn't stay stagnant and I am a little right now.  I like Bart - he had a lot of good things to say.  Wow - I just got he urge to help more people - holy shit that almost never happens.  Yes - yes I want to do that.  Oh class was so weird tonight and I was terrible.  It's so confusing.  I know I'm funny - I guess - I just don't know if I have the proper control over my energy to be a consistent actress all the time.  A consistent GREAT actress.  Why else do it?  I left class and went to Duane Reade and there's a building right near 54th Street and 8th Avenue that looks like a giant pencil.  It has this orange triangle tip and it looks like a pencil.  Anyway I was like "Oh - oh I should write."  Well so here I wrote.  I need to sleeeep.  Work and a show and somehow a meeting.  Yes indeed.  Okay - so that' my plan.  Goodnight sweet Bluebie.  I love you!