HOLY FUCK - WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

Why do I keep going back to this job?  I had such a nice day - I woke up, prayed & meditated - went for a jog/walk in the park - met my friend to work on her web series - had a nice lunch with her.  I had a great class last night and I even was so grateful for the subway ride home.  So grateful that I was able to DO that - I could never take the subway - I took cabs everywhere.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  I had no socks, underwear or clothes - but I took cabs everywhere.  Awesome.  Now I don't do that - I take buses and I take subways.  It was just such a nightmare there tonight - so slow, then suddenly busy but in a crazy way and still shitty money.  Okay - okay - I don't know - I really don't.  I do - I do know - I am getting myself other work and it's just going to take time I guess.  Holy shit - it smells like cigarettes in here - all my complaining did nothing and so I stopped.  This is all I keep thinking - I want to move - I want to be around fresh air - I am over this.  I want different work and I want fresh air.  I want acting work and creative work and - FUCK.  I'm so frazzled right now AND my ankle hurts.  Mother fucker.  Okay - well - I just - it's over - I left the job - I just put away the hand washed clothes I took care of today - the dog is still alive - I don't know.  I didn't even WANT to work tonight - I wanted to be home with my family but I couldn't get anyone to work and then it was a nightmare.  I'm taking some advil and getting as much rest as I can before catching that super early train in the morning.  I have to leave by - 7:30?  Fun - it's 1:15.  If I don't go now I won't be able to see them at all.  Okay.  Holy fucknuts.  Up, down, up - fuck.  Good night.  WOW.  I went to a meeting - I am taking care of myself.  It's just not happening that fast - I'm not leaving this part of my life behind quick enough is all.  I'm just so ready - I'm so ready for this part of my life to be past.  I am ready to shut this cha[ter.  The fucking bus boy is still being a turd to me too - WHY wouldn't he?  UGH.  Can you imagine if I was just around people that amazed me and inspired me all the time?  What would I write about???  THAT - THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!  AhhhhhhHHHHHAAAHHHHH.  Fuck my nuts.  Bye.