Who the fuck am I?

I feel like I woke up yesterday and I'm 41 - almost 42 - and I have no idea who I am.  I went to a meeting tonight and this beaaautiful gay man - beautiful inside and out - asked me what was new.  I told him I'm auditioning and that I have no idea what my type was now - who I am in that way.  As I write that it seems o shallow but I also don't know who I am - at all - not just type wise for acting or whatever.  Here's the good part before I get upset.  He said I'm better than I have ever been because I'm sober and now I'm like a new car that EVERYONE wants!!  Wow - I should have written that first and I never would have had to say he's gay.  I feel a little more confident lately - like I have something to offer - to give - to help with.  This is so weird.  The cigarette smoke is still bad here but this is my attitude now - get myself the fuck out of here - right?  Get my own place where I have the right to say no smoking anywhere near me.  Besides my freaking out about it is all part of my alanon stuff.  I'm just going to keep writing, going on auditions, going to these open mikes and taking care of myself.  I'm going to turn it all over.  I also need to get more into the program - help more people -  be of more service.  I felt so relived and grateful today that I was sober.  I went on an audition and then I came home, cut my hair and colored it - got ready, went to a meeting, worked I my little hallway space before class, wrote a couple of jokes and then had class and came home.  I was SO GRATEFUL I don't have to drink after all that and I don't have to get high or hang out with people who are doing that either.  I didn't think that part - what I was really relieved about is not having to try to do things while dragging myself around all wasted.  That's why I stopped doing anything - it was too hard to drag myself around.  Gross.  So.  So who am I?  What's my type?  What do I even want to say in my writing - in my life?  Can I be a confident, bone cracking middle aged woman?  I don't know - why not?  I - I - I am so sleepy right now.  This rain - pouring all day - lord.  Poem time.

Man swinging his umbrella
He made me feel joy
But the fun kind - he was sort of shy and seemed embarrassed that he didn't know I was there
Now that I think about it
He seemed like a thief
HA - I thought I was being sneaky
And he's taking off with all the goods
Swinging his umbrella the whole time

Good night sweet Bluebie.  p.s. The dog is still alive!!