Acting and Laziness.

Maybe all my big struggles and problems getting to do what I want to do are because I'm lazy.  It's so much fucking WORK to be a good - or dare I say GREAT performer.  I spent really all day Monday focusing on the OPEN MIKE I went and did.  As I walked through the park I recorded myself over and over doing my set.  I thought about it in the morning and it was all I did while I traveled downtown.  Yesterday I had acting class and I worked on my monologue for a total of 15 minutes - maybe.  Guess how that was in class?  So after I worked and my teacher finally got me someplace (my teacher who is SO FUCKING HOT AND WHO I FANTASIZE ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH THE WHOLE TIME IN CLASS (okay - seriously I had such a good fantasy going that I replayed it in my mind at least 20 times in class - whoa)) - I sat back down and then I sighed this big dramatic sigh and he was like "What?"  And I said - I'm not kidding "It's just so hard - I walk around all day trying to NOT to be that intense - holding on so tightly to myself."  WHAT??  I seriously said that bullshit!!  I JUST DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK - that's why I was having a hard time.  Fuck - I wasn't warmed up and I hadn't done my work.  Why?  Because I was on Facebook and looking at pictures of Carrot Top's plastic surgery.  I just didn't focus and do the work.  Now - now I don't know.  He's just so gorgeous my teacher.  Haha - I am laughing - it's so ridiculous.  The craziest part is that there is this older woman in class - oh the narcissistic cunty lady - who I honestly don't even think she realized how rude she was - at all - that lady?  He's totally hot for her!  I'm not kidding and it was SO  bizarre to me last night.  Anyway - whatever.  I don't know - I'm tired and this morning more cigarette smoke.  It's not going to stop - they literally can't not smoke and I'm not fighting it anymore.  I just have to accept and - what?  Turn it over.  I'm turning it over - that's it.  I'm so not focused yet today.  I should work on my monologue.  Okay - bye.