It's fucking freezing.

19 degrees.  Totally winter.  I am at work and I am clean, have on clean clothes and I have already eaten healthy food and had lots of caffeine.  It is so slow her - not a soul has come in.  I am trying to keep myself occupied by keeping track of my finances, reading the Big Book and I made some program calls.  Yesterday my Mom left and I ran errands, went to rehearsal, therapy, did laundry and did my hair.  I have decided something.  Being neurotic is boring.  Or I don't know - I can't say that as a blanket fact for everyone - maybe if you haven't been and you become it - it is fun.  Or interesting.  There hit a point in my drinking where it was so boring to me.  It was so boring and I found no relief in the boredom of it.  Now when I get all jealous, weird and - spinning in my head - it's boring.  I don't want to control the future anymore.  I don't want to know what's going to happen.  I want a frame-work for life and let things happen from that.  That's it - I can't take it.  It is so boring to try and figure out what that guy is doing all the time and HE IS SO GREAT.  This is brand new for me and I find my old thought patterns slipping in- or rather barging in but - I just have to move on.  I don't know what is going to happen with him and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.  Life is a mystery - I want to live and enjoy myself.  Years ago if I was dating someone I never would have had my mother come visit.  I would have wanted to hang out only with that person - and not in a healthy way.  In a "watch them because I don't trust them" way.  HOW AWFUL AND NOT LIVING IS THAT?  It's so boring.  If I act the way I used to act in relationships I will destroy this and in some way I will have control and I will know what is happening.  I'm just not that big of a pussy - I'm not.  I have to let go - it's the only thing that feels right.  And you know what?  The more I'm good and take right actions and behave in a away that I know is good for me - the less I care about how other people are.  I think one of the reasons the owner upset me so much is because I have been late a lot lately - and being half-assed kind of on the job.  Not completely but - you know - not totally doing my best.  And being late all the time is NOT cool - I don't care if it is slow.  So.  SO here's another long blog post.  So this is the new direction - taking care of myself, doing what is right for me and then seeing what else happens.  All while taking it one day at a time, not drinking and being of service.  Not so good at service but I will be.  I will.  What?  I could so totally sleep right now.  I suppose that is REALLY not the right thing to do at this job right now!  Bye Blueberry - I love you so much.