Tuesday, October 16, 2012
To feel lovable...
That's where it has to start right? One has to feel lovable to be loved. Or at least to be in a relationship.. To be able to receive love one must feel lovable. I can't even say "I." "I" need to feel lovable. That's how huge my fucking intimacy issues are. Fuck. This book I'm reading is doing a number on me also. Emotional Intelligence. It's just reaffirming that I didn't quite get what I needed growing up and it's so hard to write that - right? But here's the great part - it just said in the last part that I read that it's never to late to fix it. I can fix my brain and I can get what I need now. Um - isn't that exciting? I'm not excited - haha. But I am better - even my typing is better. I can look up now and type - how exciting is that? Oh I'm looking down at the keyboard again. So. Sooooo. Sooooooo. Sigh and so. I did so much yesterday. I cleaned the bathroom - every inch of it, vacuumed everywhere in the apartment - cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom, dusted, did laundry, threw out garbage and things I don't need, AND I went to therapy and watched the movie teachers. I vacuumed the couch and I sat on it and ate ice cream. I meditated on it this morning and it was GLORIOUS. That thing has caused me heart ache from missing my class so I am going to ENJOY IT!. See? I'm so much better. I have to go - I really need some meetings. Does it take other people an entire day to grocery shop, clean and do laundry? I just can't not do it - I hate being dirty and I get CRAZY when it's dirty. THIS IS SO BORING. Maybe it's not - maybe it's riveting. MY struggle to do mundane activities could be so riveting to someone. AHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH - doubt it. Bye Bluebers!!! Love you.
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