I'm not sure if I can do this.

I'm sure that today I can not drink....but I really don't know if I can get to another level in my life. Ugh - really? Am I really going to write this shit right now? I just want to DO SOMETHING and more than that I want to WANT to do something. I'm so sick of being miserable. Fuck. So okay - here I am listening to Rhianna on Z100 and that is so NOT doing something. I called the acting teacher and I asked a friend about a writing program she was in. Now what? Is this angst and unease and tense tenseness ever going to subside? I wish I could go for a walk right now. I don't want to call Her Lady Wonder. I feel like she is blowing me off because I forgot her anniversary. More than that I have nothing to say to her. She told me to call that crazy chick and I did and guess what?? She's still crazy!!! NUUUUUUUTS. I'm clean, sober, showered, vitamined up, not exhausted, meditated and at a job. these are good things. I want art!!! I want God to flow through me creatively. I suppose he is right now. I don't think I can be rigorously honest. I can be rigorously miserable. Rigorously tense, anxious, aggressive or awkward. I can definitely be rigorously awkward. Okay - peace of mind and creative flow. I just got sleepy. Byyeeee Bluebie.