One more thing

Well they say we came for our drinking and stay for our thinking and that is true for me.  I woke up upset and whatever and then I really thought t myself  "Whatever I'm thinking about right now is a lie or at least not true completely."  It helped.  I have choices over my thoughts - maybe not the first one but certainly if I have been thinking that thought for 5 minutes and it's making me feel bad!!  God - it is like walking through a wall of mud getting this stuff.  But it's okay.  I can choose differently.  I can CHOOSE ICE CREAM.  What?  Bye.

Today.

It's a new day and it still isn't easy but I feel slightly less enraged and I am in way less pain emotionally.  It was visceral yesterday - I could barely take it.  I still feel sad today but I don't feel hopeless.  I am impatient to get to where I want to be but also - I need to go slow because I just still have shit I need and want to untangle from my brain.  I am just still so shocked that this feeling was underneath everything.  It's like I was sitting on a tack and I had no idea until it got totally infected.  There is some relief in knowing that this feeling is there.  I can't quite explain it but I guess it's because it's the truth.  It's what is here and I can't change it if I'm not aware of it.  I can pull the tack out and then move towards healing.  So I guess that's what I am doing.  GOD - who has time to do this shit?  If I were working my other job right now I would not be able to do this.  I don't know maybe I would.  I would just have more to distract me and allow me to push it aside or push it back down - or put a delicious muffin on top.  And then pizza on top of that and then some French fries that I dip in a hot fudge caramel sundae.  YES.  That would numb this pain right the fuck UP.  I would also shit myself for at least an entire day at this point - since I don't really eat like that anymore......do you know what I am going to make for dinner?  Kale pizza crust with turkey pepperoni and vegan nut mozzarella cheese.  That sounds like it could make me shit myself for a full day also - although I don't think it will.  I also think part of what was happening is this....

I found a spot on my breast last week - 2 weeks ago?  Looked like a bruise - wait did I write about this?  I am going to look.  Okay no I didn't.  So I fond this spot and watched it and it seemed to get darker - I thought it looked like a bruise and I felt around my breast and I didn't feel a lump but that breast is tender and it made me nervous.  I kept watching it and it never went away and in fact just got  darker and then it seemed like it was in multiple spots which was alarming to say the least.  I was terrified to go to the doctor because I don't want a biopsy done and they want to cut my boobs off.  They keep saying to me "You can change your mind and do it whenever you want."  like it's a SWEATER that is going to go on sale.  FUCKING gross.  I am also not taking the pills - I can't.  Can you imagine how sad I am NOW and then also being on the pills?  Holy shit.  HOLY SHIT!  I couldn't do it.  God so I was terrified.  So I look it up and it can be a sign of a different type of cancer than the 2 I had so I was like holy fuck - what the fuck do I do??  So I just decided to try to heal myself with my mind or some INSANE shit like that and then also just really checked in with myself and even though emotionally I am having a hard time and I am still recovering physically - I do not feel how I felt when I had cancer.  I felt REALLY awful.  I know it sounds crazy but it doesn't FEEL like I have cancer right now.  SO then I didn't know what to do.....so I went to the beach 2 times.  The second time we were at the beach I put my sunscreen on at the beach - which I don't normally do...so I could see better...and as I put the sunscreen on my chest I notice the discoloration looks similar to the tanned skin on my chest and then I realize my bathing suit has these small strips of fabric holding the 2 boob parts together and I realize the discoloration is actually - TAN MARKS.  It's weird though because it's like little circles and not stripes so fuck I don't know - it took me all that time to figure it out!  Also I really just see so much better outside in the sunlight and I really couldn't tell that it was the same color as the rest of my tan parts when I was inside.  OH MY GOD.  So this is the thing I am going to live with but it's okay - I can and I can take care of myself - it's just a challenge.  Yeah.  So I'm sure that didn't help all my stuff emotionally.  Plus really 2 years ago right now - I knew I had cancer and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.  I just knew I had cancer.  Man this blog has saved my life.  Being able to write on her has been such a gift to me.  L8tr.  HA.

Do you want to rent some space in my head?

I love to let shit live in my head.  That's not true - I don't love it - it makes me sick - but I do it - A LOT - so I must love it.  Oh gosh - why can't I just let myself be fucking angry about it?  I am upset!  There is shit just taking up space in my sweet head and it exhausts me and doesn't leave room for creativity. Gross.  But what can I do?  I'm fully aware of it and hopefully I can just stop acting on it.  I have been suffering from depression lately - I think it's made worse from the menopause but WOW - today?  I woke up and it puuuuulled me DOWN.  Fuck.  Anyway my guy always says by 1:00 we lift out of it and I did.  I also ate 7 cookies - GLUTEN FREE - but yes 7 and I felt so much better.  I am just sad though.  I had this really long conversation with my sponsor about these situations I allow to happen that make me feel awful.  Worse than awful.  She asked me why I think I deserve that and I do not know.  It kept me up again last night - just her saying I deserve better and I guess that's it.  I mean this is what I did with men.  Until I finally gave up.  Now I am here and it's so painful and I keep not sleeping and that just makes everything worse.  It's okay.  I also realized something else..

I'm an actor and I want to make people feel as an actor BUT - I am alanonic and it makes me want to PUKE when anyone is upset or not feeling well.  I am always stopping myself so I don't upset people or say the worng thing or make them feel badly and WHAT A FUCKING CONUNDRUM.  What a conflict.  Holy shit.  I am like clamped up inside myself.  I always speak quietly at auditions - I'm just fucking terrified of myself and how it could hurt others.  Now I hear some douchebags voice in my head saying "That's just being self-centered toooo."  I guess it is.  Regardless I am at some fucking serious fork in the road and I do not feel well.  I don't know how to express it although this is helping.  I'm afraid of myself and hyper vigilant about the world around me and it's fucking exhausting.  I can't take it anymore.  How have I even gotten anywhere is beyond me.  I have always heard that I need ot get out of my own way.  I guess that's why I love writing.  It's easier.  IT's just me here and like 3 voices in my head that's it. Haha I am just kidding but I do have different voices or people opinions floating around but you know they aren't really here.  Maybe I don't deserve everything. Maybe I don't deserve to be making a living doing what I love and what I am passionate about.  But I know for a fucking fact that I do not deserve bullshit and I don't deserve to feel bad about myself and I certainly don't deserve lack.  I am fucking enraged.  I am enraged that I have settled for nothing in certain areas of my life - ENRAGED.  This program promises that we are happy, joyous and free and I want that.  A man in my group always says full time membership gets fulltime benefits and I FUCKING WANT THAT.  God I just am so angry.  This is different too - it's that I just have barked up that stupid fucking tree for the last time.  I know I'm not making any sense but it doesn't matter. 

I can sit with myself & be with myself and find the people.  I can trust in my God and I can find the people who trust in theirs.  I can find the brave ones.  I can find the people or let God bring them to me.  I can seek the love.  I can let myself free.  It's okay.  I fucking matter. A LOT.  We all do but I can't tell that to anyone.  Yeah.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Underneath the Relief is Pain

That's it.  That's addiction.  For me anyway.  Something makes me feel better and I get relief and then - I WANT MORE.  Then it becomes a monster that I can't control and it starts to kill me.  Alcohol, drugs, food, men, money - pistachios - doesn't matter.  So.  So there you go.  Good news - I have a solution at least for today - and THAT - makes me exhale for real.  In what feels very healthy or at least loving and when I am active in some way - I am not in the loving.  Jesus - LONG SLOW RECOVERY is right.  That's where I'm at.  Okay so here's what made me realize this this morning.....

I'm running out of vitamins.  I am in a panic because I am still recovering from treatment and taking these vitamins and supplements helps me but not to the extent that I need to charge them or ugh I hope I can articulate this - I just can't get myself into this position again where I can't afford things and I am in a state of deprivation and panic.  If I go and charge those vitamins - which feels wrong - I will feel better but it won't fix the problem.  And the problem is that I don't make enough money right now.  Okay but also - here's the other problem....if a Band-Aid will fix me momentarily there is a sore underneath - and when does that get fixed if I keep putting a Band-Aid on?  So I just am realizing that (and I guess this is a very obvious thing having to do with any addiction) if I don't feel good and I do something unhealthy to make myself feel better - something unhealthy - something addictive in nature - then I still don't feel good.  I still have the dis-ease.  The symptom feels better but not the real issue underneath.  The nature of me hasn't changed.  That just seemed so mind-blowing to me today while I wasn't thinking about my financial situation and the extreme discomfort I feel around it.  I guess I use money addictively the same way I use food.  Good Lord how fucking annoying.  But as they say I can't fix something or allow it to be fixed until I realize it's even there.  IT'S THE FUCKING ONION LAYERS.  Okay.  Oooooookay. Greaaaat.

So now my challenge is to not desperately take jobs that I don't like or don't feel good or cant pay me what I need.  I guess just don't be desperate.  Just writing that is making me feel desperate.  Okay.  OKAY.  Challenge number 5006.  Ugh.  It's up to me.  I had an acting partner 20 years ago - he was GORGOEUS - intense - sweet and one time after a rehearsal in a coffee shop he said to me "It's up to you - it's always going to be up to you - whatever you are doing."  I just looked at him and smiled because I had no idea what he was talking about and then I left - I was leaving anyway and I was confused....so as I was leaving the coffee shop I looked back at him to see if I could figure something else out or I don't know why and he was just GLARING at me.  Haha!  It was like he was like why the fuck am I giving this clueless twat a life lesson she isn't going to figure out for 20 years.  I wonder where he is now?  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Staying in myself.....

It's the hardest thing.  I don't feel well - I am being thrown around hormonally from the sudden menopause - my body is very different from the treatment and the hormonal change and it's so uncomfortable and sad.  It's also shocking.  It's so different and I really wasn't expecting this and it happening so quickly is jarring.  I'm not working with the kids right now and I miss them and I do not have any money.  That is upsetting but my guy has been giving me some money and has been covering my bills thank God - and I recognize that that sounds awesome but I have such a feeling of deprivation - of heaviness - of just not being nourished.  But it isn't nourishment I am lacking - it is the rush I get when I get even a little bit of money.  If someone gave me $200 right now I would exhale and go buy something and feel GREAT.  I am well into my mid-life right now - I need a LOT more than $200.  I need a steady flow of money blah blah a career - okay.  Fine and yes.  But that won't change this.  I think I used to help this feeling by eating muffins but I can't do that anymore - it makes me feel bloated and awful and I honestly can't imagine what this Summer would have been like if I was eating French fries and muffins.  Delicious muffins and French fries.  I want comfort and where I have looked for comfort as far as food goes and money - isn't working anymore.  Wait the money thing would work but I am doing something different now.  I am waiting to find the right job and I am not being desperate.  Which is so fucking hard and when I tell you I am so fucking uncomfortable I mean it.  It's like when I first got sober.  Fuck.  So it's fine - I have food - I have enough money to pay my bills and I'm safe.  It's crazy to me that this is the feeling that has been under all this.  I thought it was anger but it's this deprivation.  I guess it's both.  I am taking care of myself though.  I went to therapy yesterday and I ate healthy all day - drank lots of water.  I don't feel well.  I also did something yesterday than I know better to do when I don't feel well.  And it felt awful and I am still trying to recover from it.  I couldn't sleep - it hurt me but what hurts the most is that I did it even though I know from many past experiences that if I don't feel well that this thing will make me feel even worse.  I did it anyway.  I guess now that I am writing this that I didn't realize how not well I felt so maybe it wasn't conscious?  I just wasn't totally thinking.  Which is fine I'm human - even that sounds harsh on myself - the thing is that I am not in a great place and I made a mistake and I am still upset about it.  I did wake up super early though and was able to meditate today before I go to my meeting and that helped tremendously - seriously.  I calmed down quite a bit.  So anyway it's a beautiful day and I want to enjoy it.  I am alive and I want to soak it in and be in myself and really give myself a chance.  Who knew I was such a fighter?  The thing is though is that I also need to be a yielder.  There is this crazy woman at my meeting today...she has genius eyeballs and when she shares it's so compelling.  But she is AWFUL.  I can NOT talk to her - I feel like I am going to projectile vomit when I have more than 2 polite sentences with her.  My friend said the best way to deal with her is to just not communicate with her - I think she said have nothing to do with her.  So that is what I do - I am polite but I try to have as little to do with her as possible.  I YIELD.  I have to - she is just waiting to suck the fucking LIFE out of someone.  I'm not saying she's conscious of it - but she's doing it!  So.  So I can fight but also I can yield.  That's what the Tao says - victory will go to the one who yields.  FUCK!  How annoying is that?  But I will practice it - byeeeeeee!

Still On The Bed....

OKAY - so - I just wanted to say something else my therapist said which is that I can love people and be upset with them.  I can love them, be upset with their inability to give very much and also have my boundaries.  That's nice right?  I mean it's also more manageable.  Plus I guess - well that's what happens with my guy - I get upset with him but I don't stop LOVING him.  It feels like it sometimes but that's just anger.  Oh God - I don't know what I'm trying to say - I'm talking to someone and I don't know who it is.  I am just trying to talk to myself but all this other shit is getting in my head.  Side note - I have eaten more vegetables in the last 6 months than I think I have ever eaten in my life.  Is that true?  I mean I have been trying to eat 10 fresh fruits and veggies a day and so I am eating A LOT of them.  I had how many today??  Banana, broccoli, mushrooms, garlic, ginger (I think that's a spice haha)mixed baby microgreens, kale, romaine, carrots, sweet potato, olives, red onion, avocado and something else that I can't remember.  I used to eat something with like ONE vegetable in it.  Yikes - well anyway - good for me!  I'm still full from the salad.  Well this has been riveting.  I'm just waiting for the guy to come home so we can go to alanon.  Sexy right?  Hot Friday night date - woo-hoo!  I'm happy though I really am.  I love that we do this stuff together.  Okay gotta go - love youuuuuuu bye.

On The Bed.....

I'm back home now and I am so fucking glad I went to therapy.  Do you know that I have been going to therapy for almost TWO DECADES??  Hahahaaaa.  And look at me now!  No - seriously - look at me now!  I'm better - I am way fucking better and I am going to continue to get better.  Nobody does this shit - and my therapist tells me that all the time.  Okay that's not true - some people do but a lot of times they have MONEY and you know what wait. Stop.  It doesn't matter whether you have money or not - some people do this work and are interested in it and some people are not.  Some people can't do it and here is the part I am trying to get to - I AM DOING IT.  I have just had it that's all.  I've had it with trying to get something from nothing and I am tired of working for free and not being taken care of.  But most of all - I MISS THE MUSIC.  I MISS MY HEART AND BODY OPENENG UP TO THE FUCKING MUUUUUSSIIIIIC.  I was one the train and I was SO LONELY - ugh so sad and I had nothing to do and these 2 people next to me were having this really strained and awkward conversation that was driving me FUCKING NUTS and I tried to read but their conversation was so distracting and the train was PACKED with people so I couldn't move & I didn't feel well so I couldn't stand up so I took out my headphones and put on some music and my heart OPENED UP.  Then I suddenly started to BREATHE and I felt one bazillion times better.  Holy fuck.  I just felt ALIVE and I was like WHY THE FUCK ARENT I LISTENING TO MUSIC??  I mean I do in the car but I mean - I could be listening at home - ALL THE TIME or at best - ON THE TRAIN so I don't have to hear people.  I don't know I downloaded some free iTunes thing so I can listen to anything and wow.  Just blew my mind.  So yeah - the music.  My therapist and the music.  I fucking cried before I left because she said she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing.  You know I do a lot of listening.  A lot of feeling not seen (ironically).  I don't know except this woman has helped me to untangle a lot of crap and for fuck's sake - do you know what's happening right now?  I feel like I am justifying myself somehow?  I feel negative judgment but I don't know why.  Ah - I guess it doesn't matter.  I am doing this for me.  I am working through myself and my life.  I'm allowed to do it and it has been really fucking hard work.  I deserve to enjoy myself, protect myself and give myself a pat on the back.  I literally just patted myself on the back.  You know what happened after I left therapy?  I didn't feel sick anymore.  I am still super tired but I didn't feel like I had a cold.  Untangling that brain and making new pathways and choices.  But also - how about letting go of the anger.  Kindness & forgiveness right?  Yeah.  Alright maybe tomorrow?  HA.  Bye.