In other boring news...

yesterday I kept seeing these couples that match each other - I see them all the time.  It occurred to me that I can't find someone to match me until I know who I am.  That's all.  Ugh - I feel so gross and the women are SO NUTS today.  A woman came in who was drunk - or tipsy at least - red cheeks - exaggerated movements - booze smell wafting out of the dressing room - so sad and bizarre.  I mean - I was her you know?  She looked really great in what she tried on but she thought it didn't look good and she kept saying "If you had it in a large I would totally take it - in a heartbeat!!"  Okay - great.  Then she said "Order it in a large!!" like this is fucking McDonald's and I can just do that.  We had it in a large lady - we don't anymore - the end.  I guess part of me was jealous - how does she get to be drunk in the middle of the day?  I don't know - I am so sexually frustrated - holy shit.  I just want to go home and lay down - I so totally have my period.  No way - is this lady drunk too - I will just flip out.  What the fuck.  Okaaaaayyyyy - what's good?  I'm reading a great Stephen King book - totally into it - love horror - love it so much.  Love you :Bluebie bye.

Eye make-up remover and feelings.

Holy fuck - I feel so stupid.  I used Vaseline to take off my eye make-up last night instead of the eye make-up remover I was using and my eyes are SO MUCH BETTER TODAY.  I'm not even fucking kidding.  I mean I thought my eyes were red and sore from the second hand smoke and I'm sure it doesn't help - (which is what the eye doctor said) but it was just INSANE.  The shape of my eye was changing!!  I know that sounds dramatic but it's fucking true.  I was poisoning my own eye balls.  It's just like being a drunk - why am I so sick - oh because I'm dumping poisonous fluid into myself and my body, spirit and soul don't like it and can't THRIVE in it.  Well anyway - that's why I have always only liked natural products and food - I guess except drugs and alcohol - fuck - but I am SO sensitive.  Jesus - a year after using this stuff and I finally realize I can't use it.  I was so PROUD of myself for taking my eye make-up off before bed.  I never used to do that - not really.  Okay - so - whatever.  Here's the other thing - I was on the phone with someone this morning and I got annoyed and mad.  They switched something for umpteenth time and I get really scattered when things get switched constantly that are supposed to be a structured thing.  This person has also gotten upset with me when I forget after it's been switched and it made me SO FUCKING MAD that it's switched again.  This is my point.  It's annoying and I'm fucking allowed to be annoyed and have my feelings about it.  This is my final frontier I swear to God.  To have my feelings but not act on them.  THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ANNOYED ABOUT SOMEONE WHO IS ANNOYING.  Fucking BOOM.  This is where I'm so alanonic I guess.  This is what it feels like though.  This person wants all this structure but then just changes it all the time and expects me to be really structured about that and I don't know - that seems unfair and - imbalanced.  I don't know - there's something else there but I can't figure it out right now.  Something good?  I went to dinner last night with some new friends and it was really nice.  Very uncomfortable and I didn't want to go but I was so glad I did.  I had a made a commitment and I kept it and I was so very glad I did.  GOD MY LIFE IS SO FASCINATING RIGHT NOW.  Bye Bluebie Ilove you.

So ugh.

I don't know - SO ugh?  No - I guess not - things are better - I have PMS but not horrendous PMS - I just am tired but it's okay.  I'm here at the store although I was almost an hour late - the traffic was terrible and the bus took forever.  I went on 2 auditions yesterday and one was pretty decent - she really seemed to like me and worked with me for awhile and the one was fine - I could have looked better but it was hard to dress for both auditions.  I'm just so desperate for money.  I haven't paid my July rent and - I don't know - I'm not making any money.  It makes me so worried I'm not doing the right thing.  I paid my bills - I just haven't paid my rent.  I just want to lay down and read my book.  How do people do this?  I'm just - sad.  I miss the dog - her company - so much.  I saw a credit card ad on the subway today and I really considered getting one.  I get the offers in the mail all the time and I had a dream about a credit card last night.  I dreamed that I had one and I took it out to pay for something and I thought "Oh wow - I didn't even know I had that!"  Then I got a really bad feeling on the subway as I thought "I am just going to get a credit card."  Because that's where all the trouble starts.  Look if I'm not meant to be a working actress then I won't get any paying jobs and I will do something else - but I can't know that right now - it is going to take more time.  Also - fuck - how much more stressed out will I be charging shit to a credit card??  FUCK.  No - I shouldn't have to do something bad in order to do something that I want in my life.  I want to have good - not bad.  It will never work out that way anyway.  I have to trust.  I'm the worst at trusting.  I'm a bad truster - I really am.  Oh well - well - I can eat today - that's good.  I'm going to trust that I will be taken care of somehow - does that sound stupid?  Oh dear God - they are smoking outside of the door - I feel like I am going to die from the smoke - it's so gross.  Okay - I'm a mess today - it's okay.  Do you want to know a GOOD THING?  I got the mildew smell out of my towels with vinegar and baking soda.  So - see - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.

Well here's to taking a pause and doing it more often.

I saw some family today and one of them asked me about my blog - this one and I said how it's anonymous - you know - because it is.  Then after the visit I thought I should tell them and  instead of writing tot hem which is what I really thought was a great idea - I wrote to my sister to ask if she thinks it would be okay to which  she calls me right away and says "Are you out of your fucking mind??"  So that was a good move on my part - pausing and then asking for advice.  That video I shot last night was so much gay sex - I made out with this one guy on camera - who I was supposed to make out with and I'm not kidding - he's gay but still - I tried to French kiss him and he kept his mouth shut - super tight.  Then when it was over he was furiously whipping my lipstick off his face.  Um - can you imagine - HA - anything more mortifying than trying to French kiss someone and they are like - um - no bitch - I don't think so.  WOW.  I shot more of the web series today - behind the camera - that was a blast - hilarious.  So - so - I've been busy and I still haven't paid my rent for July.  When I was doing all of this years ago - I could never balance out - I mean - I wouldn't be writing on here right now - I would be getting high.  Oh why - why do I talk about that?  It makes me so sad.  I am just so happy I just can come home and get in my pj's and get ready for bed, do Yoga and go to sleep.  Isn't that so beautiful??  I can floss - amazing.  My friend made us a Filet Mignon salad after we were done filming today and then I went to a meeting back in the city and afterwards a man asked me (I mean there's a social area - I wasn't on the street or anything) if I wanted a piece of cheesecake and he gave me a slice of the most delicious homemade cheesecake with chocolate something on top of it - what??  COME ON!!  That's amazing.  I seriously wanted to cry - it was so nice.  I mean he was giving everyone cheesecake but I REALLY appreciated it.  Sigh - I miss my little girl dog.  She seems so gone now.  K I love you Bluebie bye.

You want to know what?

I actually want company.  I actually crave human interaction - isn't that mind blowing?  I mean I don't always want the company I get when I'm working here, but it's better than nothing.  This man came in yesterday and looked at this top in the window (he was not gay - at all) said "Oh it's rayon - right?"  I said "Yes."  He said "Oh I don't know if she would want that on her skin......(dot dot DOT) would you want that on YOUR skin?"  I gave him a VERY dirty look and said "I don't know."  Gross - I'm in here alone - go away - go ask someone working with other people what they like against their skin you creeper.  Soooo - so that's that.  I want company - but not his I guess.  Whoa - bye.

Bored but at least I wrote a little.

I'm bored out of my mind here at the store right now but at least I just took some time to write and I was able to lose myself a tiny little bit in that.  I will work on my comedy next.  Why don't I just go ahead and do that?  It's such a beautiful day out - I wish I was at the beach with a lover and friends.  I'm going to shoot that video tonight - for the part of the voyeuristic wife.  So that's good right?  I just got tired.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Ugh - this job.

I'm at the boutique and - okay - I'm so grateful I have a job - I really am - beyond.  But she came in here the other day and FREAKED out on me and I just am having trouble getting over it.  I'm trying to no give her my power and listen - it was all her - for real.  She called me and it was really busy and said "I'm driving in from the Hampton's and I need you to print these reports for me - I will be there in 2 hours."  She tells me what they are - sort of - I have NO idea what she is talking about - I tell her I will do my best but it's really busy and I might not be able to figure it out.  She calls me back and says "Always help the customers - customers first."  SO I SOLD SHIT TO CUSTOMERS BECAUSE IT'S HER STORE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PRINT OUT FINANCIAL STATEMENTS OR EVEN WHAT THEY ARE OR WHERE TO FIND THEM.  So what happens?  She comes in - yells at me for not printing out the right stuff - talks to me like I'm fucking retarded and says "I will email you things if you need to see it written out when you don't understand what I need."  I say I didn't know what you wanted and it was busy - I helped the customers.  She says - "Well you should have called QuickBooks and I say I DID THAT'S WHY THOSE REPORTS ARE PRINTED.  Then she yells "This is going to be the end of me!!  The end of me!!!"  She yells at me more - throws a fir - then tells me to call QuickBooks again - which I do and move as faaaar away from her as I can get because I was so physically jarred by her behavior.  It was like she was being a 3 year old - for real.  The she says "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?"  She's never here.  Then she says "When I need something done - whatever it is - I need it done."  This is the thing - she sat down and it took her about 2 hours to figure it out and did it herself.  If she didn't even know how to do it - how was I supposed to know how to do it?  So it's all good - I'm totally over it.  I have to go bye Bluebie.