Crying.

I just off the phone with my Mother - she wants me to come for my Father's birthday but I really don't want to.  My little sister is going to be there with her kids - I don't know - the poor dog and I just - I feel so embarrassed and sad.  I want to see my God baby but I don't know.  I can't handle it.  Couldn't there just be one good thing that I'm good at so I don't care what anyone thinks or feel like I contribute somehow?  Holy fuck I am feeling sorry for myself.  I stood on my head and I meditated.  My mother asked if it was time for me to just move back yet.  And do what?  I don't know - holy fucking depressingness.  Maybe I should go get some dark chocolate.  I just feel unloved - so raw.  Once again I feel like what is the fucking point?  I have an audition tomorrow night but I can't afford to go to White Plains.  I also have another one but it's at 6:00 and no one can cover me.  So.  Well to be honest I'm afraid to ask the owner but as far as I can tell the other 2 girls can't.  Okay - so big deal if I can't go to these auditions.  Okay I have to do something to make myself feel better.  I'm going to go get some chocolate.  I don't want to go outside.  Bye.

Okay - I think I really give up.

I mean - I don't give up on being sober but I can't chase this dream anymore.  I'm too old and it's too hard and it's not happening.  Okay - I just have to let it go.  It's just - that's it.  I mean I told myself I wouldn't stop unless I tried everything and that meant getting sober too.  I knew that unless I was sober I wasn't really going to be able to say I really tried everything.  I'm sober and not only has that not helped - it hasn't helped.  What?  Well I don't know - I'm not bearing any fruit.  What?  I need health insurance and a savings plan and some kind of life.  Okay - so - so I think that's it.  I mean - oh well - whatever right?  So I need to find something else I can do.  I just looked into substituting but that's over until September.  Then there is becoming a NYC Teaching Fellow.  Okay - okay - that's something.  What else?  I called again about the cigarette smoke and she said to call back Thursday.  My clothes smell like smoke - gross.  I should go stand on my head.  I'm going to do that.  I need to get upside down.  Okay.  Bye.  I guess whatever I do I just have to do it from a place of power.  Okay - first positive thought I have had all day.  WOW.  Good.  Okay.

Oops.

A lady just came in and she was dripping her umbrella all over the floor and I said there is an umbrella stand and she said "No - no - it's not raining."  Oh - okay - so before you came in here and closed your umbrella - you just had it over your head because the clouds are too much for you today?  Plus - hello - you are dripping water everywhere!  Then she hands me something and demands how much it is - like all women who come in here and fucking REFUSE to wear their fucking glasses.  Then she left and mumbled something about "Well obviously I don't want to stay here" puts her umbrella back up over her head and walks back out into the rain.  I just am not doing well here lately.  I can't stop thinking about my friend who said I haven't gotten another job because "I do things more slowly."  Oh dear -not good - I know - I'm going to take some midol.  Yes.  Okay.  Bye for the 3rd time.

It just seems too hard to get it back.

I can't get back any momentum and I feel so discouraged after yesterday.  Something has to change - I need a different job, a boyfriend - a fucking LIFE for fuck's sake.  I have a bad attitude.  I'm doing exactly what I want to do right?  Maybe I need another program too.  Maybe 2 isn't enough.  I wish I could go to a meeting right now.  Okay bye again.

Oh dear.

I'm down today - what am I doing?  All I do is obsess about myself - how in the world am I being of service?  I'm lonely and the cigarette smoke was so bad all night last night and this morning.  I don't know - I really don't.  I think maybe I should just move and go back to school.  The dog is still alive so that's wonderful.  I gave her some rice last night and she loved that.  It's raining.  I'm just lonely and sick of being poor.  Feeling poor I guess.  Okay - well - so there you go.  I took a shower today - I prayed & meditated - I just ate a beautiful, super healthy meal.  I guess I should call about the smoking super.  He keeps getting fatter too - how is that possible?  How can he smoke SO much and get fat.  Okay - well - I suppose I can only try.  Sigh - I will write back later when hopefully I feel better and have my whole life all figured out and great.

Okaaaay. Wow.

So I went on the audition today - shit tons of people - all of them crazy and desperate - holy fuck.  One guy was farting moth ball smells poor dude.  So - I did have compassion for him but I also got up and moved eventually.  It was running super late and they had me read once after I was there well over and hour and then an hour and a half after that - I still hadn't read again and I was supposed to have a British accent which was - isn't my specialty by any means.  Okay - so I wait and wait and finally I got annoyed and asked if I could go and the guy got so annoyed with me and he was the one I read with and if you can imagine the fake ass smile he gave me when I left - oohhhhh BOY.  One of those squinty eyed, closed mouthed super tight faced grins - THAT.  Awful.  Okay - so I learned a lesson - ask sooner next time and nicer.  I was like "If she isn't going to see me again I'm just going to leave."  HA - awesome - threatening people is a great way to get a job.  Whoa.  There was a man there who I used to work with at one of the comedy clubs I used to work at and I totally hid from him.  I feel so bad - he was nice but soooo gross.  One time I was talking to him and he threw up in his own mouth, chewed a little bit and then swallowed it - without even NOTICING HE DID IT.  Sooooooooooooo - sooooooo - EWWWWW - ohhhhhhhh - isn't that so awful???  I almost threw up myself when I thought of it today.  But I shouldn't have hid from him because I missed a chance to audition for something else.  I wonder how people deal with that kind of thing.  Then I went and did a show at THAT place where I used to work.  My life is like bad episode of the Matrix.  The place is actually so much better - holy crap - I mean - almost decent really.  He also doesn't work there.  You know what though - he's still going on auditions and working hard so whatever.  HE got seen super fast too - so - how about I don't judge huh?  I'm not really - I just didn't want to talk to him and I was hiding behind my hair.  I came home, went to that meeting around the corner from me and then came back here and made myself dinner.  I really wanted a hot dog but I didn't want to spend any money at the grocery store plus - hello - not vegetarian.  So I made myself black beans with red onions and fresh garlic, jasmine rice and I fried some corn tortillas and put avocado and mixed greens on them with the rice and beans.  AMAZING.  I fucking love cooking - it's so fun.  I wonder how much that meal cost me.  I can tell you this - I ate a shit ton and I didn't feel gross.  I would have felt so nasty if I ate 2 hot dogs and some potato chips.  Maybe.  And a pickle.  YUM.  I love food.  I just played my ukulele also - I found a book of songs so I've been playing them.  I'm so tired right now.  Work tomorrow and then Wednesday I have 2 auditions.  Fun right?  Okay - I need to do my dishes and get to sleep.  Love you Bluebie.

So I lost my apron.....

somewhere between leaving the club last night and I don't know - today - I lost my apron.  It wasn't at the club tonight and it's just gone.  I would not shut up about it tonight - who would take my ratty ass apron?  It had a shit ton of change in it - by shit ton I mean like 2.50.  Okaaaay - so that was weird.  Anyway - I somehow feel better.  I'm just - whoa - I've already lost what I wanted to say.  Okay - it's back - here it is.  The dog is still alive and she's not cold because I just left her winter coat on her all day - so that's good.  I decided that besides just trying to have fun - no matter what I just need to stay sober.  I mean - I guess that's so obvious but here's why I am saying that.....I have been so bitter lately that I don't look better - blah, blah - all the things - like I got sober now I want to be the Queen of Fucking Everything, give me my amazing life and my amazing look and let's do this.  Okay - but that's not happening - except for the part where things are SO much better but who cares?  Nothing is going to be good in any way if I drink.  NO matter what happens - no matter where I go or where life takes me or if I get to act or do comedy or paint - um - be a doctor - none of it will be any good if I drink and I just don't know what's going to be if I don't.  So there - that's it.  I wish in some way it were a little more - CLEAR - like - hello - I am sober and this is what I get - EVERYTHING I WANT.  But sometimes I want the worst shittiest things.  I just want to be real and authentic and alive.  That's what I want.  I just want the chance to be a real fucking person and get to know myself and be - REAL.  As I write on an anonymous blog to I have to no idea who.  Ha - that's funny - right?  I just want to be REAL - not seen -just read and heard.  Well that's fucking fine - that can be just as real right?  I also realized tonight how much I judge others and how much I - don't have compassion for people - especially people who creep me out.  There has to be some way I can have compassion for people even if I am picking up on things that make me uncomfortable.  Okay so I have some new goals - here we go.

1.  Be gossip free!!  Woo-hooo - fun!!  Gossip freeness!!
2. Have compassion - a fucking lot of it.
3.  Figure out have to have insulation from people so I'm not so freaked out by what I pick up on.
4. Meditate for longer so I am not as sensitive to others and just life in general.
5.  Raise my level of self-care by paying my rent on time.
6. Recognize on a daily and hourly basis that I am not a victim - I have power and a life force and I am not being fucked over by everyone all the time - nor is that what everyone secretly wants to do (haha - that mad me laugh a little - even though IT'S TRUE - that I think and feel that way)
7.  Move forward and let my program grow.

Okay bye.