Okaaaay - I'm so NEVER

talking about farting again. Some guy just friend requested me on Facebook and he has a picture front and center of his "Turd of The Week" and it's a real turd and it's REALLY fucking gross. Ew. Gross and ew again and what the fuck? Are you kidding me? I am NEVER - EWWWWWWWWW - fucking gross. Why would you do that? Is there something wrong with me that I don't think that's funny?? Or even ART?? Jesus.

I have "Winning An Oscar Complex Syndrome"

after the success of my last post. It was such a hit that now I have been afraid to write for days because I feel like nothing will ever live up to that last post. How often am I that honest and that concise? I would go so far as to say maybe twice this year. Maybe - oh well - I mean in the year that I've been writing on this blog - not this year of 2011 where there has only been 12 days so far. I just farted. Maybe it's eggs?? I had quiche today. It was really good!! Oh well - I also had a green smoothie?? I don't fucking know. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I want to cancel but in light of this newest explosion from my body I think it might be best if I keep the appointment. I swear - the man who reads this blog and loves me still - really loves ME. That being said I recognize that that's total fantasy since I have 3 readers. And they are all women. Um - so well - it feels good to write anyway. I did another show and it went well. I adjusted my material to the audience - and I had fun and so it went well. They laughed!!! And I had FUN!! Holy shit - how amazing is that?? Mind blowing. And I didn't fart ONE time while I was up!! I am supposed to do 2 more shows again tomorrow night. Big snowstorm might get in the way. I hope not - we are planning on going no matter what - unless the subways aren't working. It's 3:20 a.m. I just doooon't want to sleep. Not until I'm good and ready. Well - for now - this is how it's going to be. I'm sleeping enough when I do sleep. I really want to write tomorrow before I go to these shows. Sit down and do my morning pages and WRITE my jokes. Just write. I can give that to myself right? All I need to do is write everyday, quit bread and dairy, and bathe and everything will be fine. I left out the other 10 things I need to do everyday in order to be sane. I just want to be vague in order to appear mysterious. I'm so mysterious - oooooooo. Ohhhhh - mystery surrounds me. Mystery and sarcasm surround me. Ooooooooo.

I think I'm finally over men.

Haa!!! I wouldn't believe me either!! But seriously - I'm over it. I always feel uncomfortable around guys who I think are hot and I always - this is the REAL - oh I don't even know how to say it - the REAL defining factor - I always fart around them. How the fuck??? What the fuck?? Um are you fucking serious God? I think a guy is hot, then I get nervous and uncomfortable and I start farting. Give me a break - I'm done. I have bad breath, I'm always farting and I'm insecure. I am going to go ahead and say that I'm not meant to be in a relationship. There is no possible way. I am laughing and crying right now. I give up!!! Who fucking cares??? Ugh. I went to that meeting tonight and there were like 5 cute guys, I felt uncomfortable, had to leave when everyone stood up because I was farting (and it had to be SO obvious as I was walking funny - God help me), then left and wanted to beat myself up about but I just - I'm not interested. It's too much work. I just - oh well. Oh well maybe there is a guy out there who makes me feel comfortable, likes the way I smell and doesn't care that I fart all the time. I have a really hard time believing that exists. Oh well. It's so annoying also because I've been going tot his fucking doctor and it's not helping. I did lose 25 pounds. Well I guess that's something. I'm so - over it. I just want to feel healthy and good. I feel like - I'm not there yet. I feel like a 12 year old. So - I feel a sense of freedom actually. But I have to say this seems - unhealthy. What am I doing wrong and why aren't these drops helping? I watched Knight and Day with Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise. I liked it. That and the farting story are 2 reasons why this is a secret blog. I think I got booked on a real show. Now I have motivation to go out and do more comedy. And to write more. What's a Haiku? Holy shit I forgot I was writing this. I have to got to bed. I smell.

Day 490

Today I have already done lots of good things for myself. Turns out I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I'm a basket case. Add dehydration and poor eating and I really start to lose it. But I learned something this week which is that - what?? What did I learn?? I'm trying to not be negative - trying to be positive - while also being honest and real. This is so fucking hard. Life is so hard - oh dear - I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think?? Ha - okay - I am. Things are so much better even than they were this time last year. I made myself a healthy breakfast, had tea and lots of water. I prayed and meditated and I worked on cleaning up my past. My room is clean and I am writing on here. I am going to walk to work and then work. Oh my Lord this is so boring - hilarious. Okay good - see there I laughed - what a relief. I don't have much to say except that for sure if I can get my sleep and take really good care of myself things might shift. My brain might shift. I think I'm afraid of praying and meditating. OR that it upsets me that I feel better after I do it and then I get upset that I have to do it again after I get all frazzled again. Like the whole "why make the bed it's just going to get messy again" thing? I love making the bed. I love coming home to a made bed. Alright. Okaaaay. Bye bye Blueberry. Talk to you later.

Oh wow - well I feel better!!

Look how beautiful these are!! I love to buy myself flowers and put them in the window and in the bathroom. And I keep buying these because they are SO gorgeous when they open. They look like pieces of glass art - amazing. That being said - here we go......
I told my girlfriend that this blog is so ridiculous because I'm like - "I feel bad" or "I feel better" - over and over and over again. Well - I love this blog so oh well - it feels great to write and I love it. Maybe it will grow into something else - either way I don't care - someone else (one of my 3 readers) can judge it - I'm not going to. I'm just going to love this blog and water it with my misery and intermittent joy. Intermittent relief? Intermittent not so miserableness? I have to get some stuff out of the dryer - I will be right back. Well I cleaned tonight, met a friend for dinner, got some groceries, went to the bank, paid some bills, cleaned, and cleaned out my eye which is infected. Not infected - red. I put eyebright in it. Her Lady Wonder recommended it. It's 3:20 in the morning. Oh I also watched Pineapple Express. It made me laugh - that's good. I was cleaning while I watched it so I'm not entirely sure how it ended happily but somehow it did. Which is fantastic!!! My shoulders are so tense. I'm tense. Very tense. Uptight? My energy twists around itself. Haha - I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Doing a show again tomorrow night only this time I'm going to write first. Okay - enjoy the flowers Blueberry!!! Talk to you tomorrow!!

Oh my today is already upsetting me.

My landlord woke me up with the washing machine - because when you use the hot water the pipes shake. It sounds like someone drilling in my bathroom wall. I think he hates it when I sleep. I'm not sure why. I feel so victimized and awful. I feel like - well - there you go - it's happening again. He's running the hot water and it's drilling again. Well - ooooookaaaayyy. I just need to work tonight - get through it - make whatever money I can make and then I have 4 days off. I will try to wait to meditate until after this stops. I guess this is all the emotional stuff that comes up with the UNDA drops? By using the UNDA drops? I really - why doesn't he use cold water? I really don't understand. I feel like I have raging PMS and I feel so stressed out. I'm so upset - I feel like I'm failing. I wish I worked at a nice place with nice people who were kind and wonderful. I feel like no one loves me. I reaaally feel left out and I feel sick to my stomach that this is my life. I suppose - well - okay so this is how I feel - who cares. What an asshole this guy is - he's probably washing 2 shirts and a pair of pants. I'm 50 dollars short on the rent and I could care less. I don't even want to give him the rent I do have. I know that's why he ran the laundry before - to try to wake me up to give him his rent. He's such a fucking asshole. Ugh - now he's making other noise. I hate him, I hate everyone I work with, I'm lonely and I had a drinking dream last night. It really seemed like I was drinking. It's always white wine. I hardly ever drank white wine. Well - I hope you are okay Blueberry - sorry for being such a downer.

This is going to be hard to believe but I'm miserable.

I have waited for 4 hours for it to go away and I've stopped shaking but I'm still upset. Work tonight was AWFUL - I made 80 dollars and everyone was getting sooo crazy for New Years and I wasn't working the second show so I just wanted to leave - I was really tired, felt sick and dehydrated and I was DONE. Well the girl who always says "How much of a mess I was" and how I've "Done just SO much damage to my body" (because she's a fucking doctor and has tested me??) wanted to share a cab home. Well she's always last doing everything and I was like listen I really need to get out of here - are you ready - because if you are going to take awhile I need to just go. She says she's going to be just a minute. I go get my water and wait outside for her and watch drunken a-holes walking down the street for about 10 minutes. She finally comes outside and we walk a block to try and catch a cab - an avenue block. Well on the walk we talk about how unfair it is we didn't get to work and how unfair it is there - and so I get even more upset and I was already annoyed at waiting for her. We get to 3rd avenue and there's 7/11 there and I was like "I'm just going to get a hot dog - do you mind if I get a hot dog?" And she says "You need to calm down - what do you mean you need a hot dog?" Plus she was annoyed - she just wanted to go home. Well so now I'm even MORE annoyed that she tells me to calm down. Then there are NO cabs - NONE - of course - and a gypsy cab comes over and we get in. I tell him where we are going to go and he says - 25 dollars - okay - and starts driving. Then she's like - "OHHH (to ME - NOT to him) that's so much?? What??? ohhhh..." I say it's 15 just to my house - you just get out first. Then I say (and now I'm really fucking annoyed and would have rather paid 35 dollars to have gotten home already WITHOUT HAVING TO TALK OR DEAL WITH HER) "We can get out - do you want to get out?" She says no and then acts all upset. Then I try to converse with her - tell her a friend is getting married tonight - she says it's stupid to get married on New Years Eve (I know - right??? She's a douche right?). Then the cab stops really short and SCARES me so I squeaked and she says "CALM DOWN - you need to CALM down - you are making me uncomfortable." I said "I'm so sorry - my apologies." And then I stopped talking - told myself I am NEVER FUCKING EVER sharing a cab with this fucking bitch ever again and you know what else??? I'm not taking her stupid money - fuck her. Enjoy the free cab and get your OWN FUCKING CAB. She's black and always makes me get the cab because she says no one will pick her up. I said the other night that I felt like she was using me. Which I realized tonight - SHE IS. And I'm done. I would have rather walked home. Through the fucking park - with a sign on that said "Free New Years Eve Blow Jobs - just sneak up on me - that's how I like it."
When I was drinking I shared cabs with her and one night she was SO fucking mean to me and yelled at me in the cab and then a few times after that asked me to share a cab and then - get this - TURNED HER BACK TO ME - the whole way to her place. So she has real issues with me and you know what - she disrespects me and always says the most derogatory things to me and I was hoping that it was because of me but it's not. She's an asshole. If you think I'm such a piece of shit why do you want to travel together? And why the fuck are you telling me to CALM DOWN??? When has that ever worked in the history of someone being upset? And I wasn't doing anything to her - AT ALL. So then we pull up near her place and again the cab driver stops short - only this time Little Miss Cunt Face goes "Ohhh - oh!!" I tell her "Don't worry about it - it's on me - Merry Christmas - Happy New Year (and in my mind I was like get the fuck out PLEASE). She says - nooo - noo it's New Years - gives me 15 dollars (SLOWWWLY) and I give her back 5 and she says "Okay well - see you tomorrow" and then says "Get some rest" in the most passive aggressive nasty - so doesn't mean get some rest but GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER nasty fucking whatever way and I said "You too." Then she walks away all slow and shocked and JUDGEY and I WAS SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!! I should have never waited for her. I should have left. I was trying to be nice and polite and I could have cared less about the money. Look it takes 2 to tango right? I'm in this equation but I swear to God - I'm taking myself out of it. It's like she thinks I owe her something and I know that I do not. I'm sorry that I had a drinking problem and that it somehow made you MAD at me. WEll FUCK YOU. Do yourself a favor and NEVER EVER have children because you don't have an empathetic bone in your body. What an asshole. I was so mad I went and got Chinese food and angry ate it. It's better than drinking. The real issue is with the fact that I wouldn't just let myself leave. I should have left. And it hurts my feelings how she acts towards me and I also feel sorry for her because she says some really ridiculous things and I have no idea what she is talking about. She wanted to go therapy but got a life coach for a year instead. She paid for a YEAR'S worth of life coaching. I don't know but that's the kind of shit I used to do and it's NUTS. How can you be MEAN to me and MAD at me that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict? Why does that bother YOU? If she didn't like it WHY would she get in a cab with me? To save 12 dollars??? And if she still thinks I'm an asshole - which I realized without a doubt tonight that that's exactly what she thinks (and I could care LESS - thank you very much) - then why years later are you still asking me to share a cab?
I sent her a message once - on facebook - a private message and I said - listen I know we have had our differences but as a child of God - I love and respect you. SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING. I might not have said the respect part but I like how it sounded in my head just now. I just said as a child of God I love you. Oh well. I have a ways to go. A long long ways. I feel very frustrated. It's a new year. A whole new decade. I downloaded that sound "Fuck You" and listened to it and danced and that was AMAZING. My girlfriend introduced me to the song yesterday. SO great. So this year I'm going to dance more. I miss it and I love it. I was so upset that Little Miss Cunt Face wasn't my friend tonight. No warmth, caring or understanding. Why do I think that can come from everyone? Why do I expect that? That's unfair of me. Expectations. Maybe I took a shit on her when I was drunk one night and she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings about it OR how to approach me to talk about it. Perhaps. My new name for her is Little Miss Cunt Face Who I Might Have Taken A Shit On. That's a long name and not a very nice one. Well congratulations to her!!! She just won a new name. It's got quite a ring to it. I am going to keep working on myself and pray that this won't be how I always react to things. I feel - okay - I HOPE I will feel terrible about writing this. Thank you for being here Blueberry. I love you and I don't think you are a cunt face.