Stiil Fighting....

Everyone, everything and myself.  Difference is?  Now I do things even when I feel badly to make myself feel better.  And ugh well at least I do things that are healthy for myself and even if I don't feel better - I don't feel WORSE & I am not hurting myself.  Which is really - such a graceful thing to have in my life.  It is!  I can also be shaking & nervous and do things for myself and in the past I couldn't!  I thought I was supposed to wait till I felt better.  WHAEN WAS THAT GOING TO BE?  Don't know.  Wait - don't know if that's completely true but as far as alanon stuff goes it's much more true.  What?  That level of self-care had to be "divinely led" it seemed.  You know what?  I don't know.  I am so fucking ANXIOUS today and my brain is just like "HEY YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT AND HERE IS A LIST OF EXAMPLES AND ALSO WHILE YOU ARE AT IT HERE IS ANOTHER LIST OF THINGS YOU DID WELL BUT THE LIST - is a lie."  Yikes!  My mind hates me! I wish I could weed my brain like a garden.  I guess I am.  That's what all this work is - weeding the garden.  Cleaning out the closets.  Organizing the shelves.  Then once we are done?  Do it again!  Or at least - continue to do it so it doesn't have to be such a huge, crazy thing next time.  God - it's exhausting.  I feel better though as I am writing this.  Yeah.  Okay.  OYE.  Um - okay well I actually have a ton of stuff to do and so I am going to run along now.  Haha that sounds funny.  Well I guess I am moving towards emotional sobriety now and good LORD - it's uncomfortable.  But also - there's freedom.  So - so one step closer to being happy, joyous and free.  And thin!  That's one of the promises right?  To be in great shape and slender. HA.  Love you Buebie byeeeeee.